Nameless, Faceless, Empty

This past year has been filled with many interesting journeys, but none so profound and deep as the journey of participation in my mother's transition back to Source. Yes, I was by her side when her spirit was released from the body, but I have been traveling on this journey with her for much longer than that. The past few weeks since mom's passing on November 22, 2008, remind me of the following passage from Oriah Mountain Dreamer's, The Invitation:

"It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children."

That sums up what I had to be and do the weeks up to and following mom's death. Coming back home from New Mexico, where she had lived the past 18 years, I was fortunate to be able to attend a "Wild Woman Doll Making" class I had arranged and thought I was going to miss due to being in New Mexico with mom. Attending to her end of life affairs went quickly and smoothly and we were able to come home earlier than anticipated. It ended up being the perfect re-entry for me as the class was the day after we got home. Instead of diving into unpacking I dove into creative expression and healing.

For me, my doll is nameless and faceless and represents simply "being" without an identity, a blank canvas in the Void for the next journey of my life. She gazes into and embraces an empty vessel, ready and waiting to receive, and then offer, her gifts.

The element of no identity was heavily influenced by my mom who had been working for many years now on releasing identities, or "labels" (for me, those labels were an "artist," a "mother," a "bookkeeper," etc.), a theme that I have made other art pieces around. I've painted the face, hands and feet black to represent the Void, and the bowl is one of my moms that happened to find its way home with me, and fits perfectly. This doll will certainly bring more messages over time and will certainly speak to me in other ways as I/she evolves. I look forward to her messages of wisdom that are given to me from the chalice of repose.

Although I had been traveling a journey of participation in mom's final days on earth, I did not travel the same path as her, as clearly shown to me in the following dream from September 17, 2008, just over two months prior to her transition:

Different Path

Mom and I are walking in a forest somewhere, I believe Alaska, and we are heading to the same place. I take a different path than her, going through the middle of the forest, where she is on the outer edge, but then realize that I need to stay closer and call out loudly several times to find where she is. I finally hear her call back and change my direction to meet back up with her. Just when I am about to connect with her path, a large and deep gully stops my progress. I remember being here before with someone else and know that there is a tree limb I can use as a bridge to get across, but I have to find it. I don’t find the same one, but do see a large oak tree limb going across. However, its bark is peeling off and is potentially rotten and I don’t feel confident in its stability and being able to safely cross on it. I test the limb by pushing down on it a few times, and even though it MIGHT be okay, I decide to keep looking for the safe tree limb that I remember.

Yes, mom and I are heading to the same place - back to Source. Yet we are each on a different path. Mom was clearly on the edge, I am clearly in the middle, and not to follow her too closely. It is not my time. I know this and don't push the issue, recognizing that my well-being is important.

I am honoring the wisdom of this dream by resting and nurturing my self as I surface from the depths of this incredible journey.

Bodywriting Journey

It began with the candles. We were each to connect physically with the color that called to us, then write about it. I felt the red candle in my body...

It feels like the beginning of life, that place of newness. It feels like the fullness of my womb and the flow of blood between my legs. It feels like the earth and the groundedness of my relationship with her. It feels warm and nurturing and powerful and instinctual. It feels like a fire that is beginning to burn. It tastes juicy and sweet. The color red is a place deep and dark and smells like the earth and the earth surrounds me with her arms of love and she sings sweet songs to me as I lie within her. I feel her at the core of my being, the very place of my soul in my body. The color red isn't always a color I choose. She is one I tend to shy away from . Her power is one that I am only now getting comfortable with. Now that I have cleared the way, the color red has become my friend, my companion, and one to whom I am grateful.

That evening we do "speed collage" of an intuitive nature and create the cover to our journals for the weekend in a very short time - I think we only had ten minutes. After the collages are complete, we are introduced to a wonderful process of feedback, which I LOVE! After I share how I feel about my collage, a chosen participant gives Phenomenological feedback: telling what they see - the facts of the collage (e.g. the words Window on the World, a woman wearing a black face covering, etc.), nothing more. Then another viewer gives Aesthetic feedback: how the collage makes them feel, memories invoked, stories remembered, all very personal to the viewer. One last viewer gives Artistic feedback: using a chosen medium to express the imagery in the collage - could be drawing, a poem or song, or dance. I get one last comment on this feedback process, and an assigned scribe gives me everything they wrote down for my feedback session. This process is repeated for everyone.

Saturday, June 21, 2008... Each morning we are to do automatic writing in our journal - 3 pages. This is not my favorite activity, but I go along and stay open to possible benefit. Then we begin the process of body printing, making "sketches" of greased-up bodies on newsprint. We determine our favorite positions and then go to the actual printing of two prints. One is done by painting our bodies with acrylic paint then printing on canvas, the other is our bodies painted with white gesso and printed on black pastel paper, with powdered chalk pastels thrown over the wet gesso to leave the color.

We have a printing partner for this process as we cannot easily do this alone. We must move our bodies in positions that are not easy to hold, and we have paint in places that must be cared for so as to get a clean print. Even though the room is full of naked women, we are so engrossed in our own process that we hardly even notice each other. The energy is high and everyone is having fun during this creation of our body prints. We all have a different body position and paint colors. As we complete our initial prints we hang them up to dry and then wash the paint off our bodies outside on a deck, our printing partner helping as needed with holding the shower hose.

All the acrylic body prints are now hanging on the walls of the studio, the pastel prints in other parts of the house, and we are cleaned, fed, and rested. Now we share about the process and watch a slide show of past Bodywriters to get ideas for tomorrow's embellishment. We will "stretch" our canvases by stapling them to the wall and adding a color wash to the entire canvas. After that we will begin painting and embellishing our body prints as we are so moved. We will go to bed tonight to dream on what the body prints want and need from us, and journal to this question in the morning.

Sunday, June 22, 2008... I do not have any dreams I remember, but my journaling says... No dreams to remember were needed as you have all you require to carry out the birth of form your body prints want to express. Trust your core intuition and heart knowing.

I ask the pastel body print "What do you need from me now?"... I need the support of my friends. Many hands are needed to guide my way into this life. Have your partner add her hands to my print. Since you are birthing me fully into a new world, a new community, the energy of another is my desire.

I ask the acrylic body print "What do you need from me now?" and pick a SoulCollage card - Elements: Fire... From the fires of initiation and transformation I come. Use the energy of this fire to give the elements of action, change, death and rebirth. This fire takes many forms. It can be small, slow and somewhat gentle, like the flame of a candle. It can be hot and fast like the eruption of a volcano. It can be a tool, like the flame that cooks nurturing food. You must use all these forms in my body print, as you have been through all of them and need to remember how the fire of life/death/life is an important part of your life/death/life.

I ask "How will I carry out this element of fire in the body print and who will be my guide?" and pick another SoulCollage card - Council: Protective Mother... The Protective Mother is with you during this time and process. She carries all the tools necessary for you to facilitate my expression of form. You are protected from energies that do not belong to you or me by the tigers who walk beside the Protective Mother. And your rooster totem stands guard, ready to alert of any danger, yet also to announce and strut my arrival.

The process unfolds for me beautifully and I am very pleased with what is born here at the Bodywriting Retreat. We share our experiences and tell the names of each of our pieces. The title of my collage is: On the Right Path. The title of my pastel body print is: Birth of Self, Emergence of Soul. The title of my acrylic body print is: Goddesses of the Flames of Initiation and Transformation. I journal with this body print and ask "Who are you? Why are you here?" and they reply... We are your twin soul, and we have come to show you the way to express and fully take form into the new Jennifer Star. "How will you do this?" We hold the sacred space you need to carry out your soul's work here, your service to the earth and all the living beings upon her. We stand back to back, keep you in the center, well protected and watched over. We come from a place of love, and extend that love to you at all times.

Now to go home with my body prints and continue the journey...

July 26, 2008... It's taken me over a month living with my body prints to get the nudge of inspiration and knowing on "what comes next," at least for the large print. The pastel print hangs in my bedroom where I awake to her presence every morning. The twins have been hanging in my studio/office, where I spend most of my time. I gaze at them, commune with them, listen to their messages. Many significant dreams come after the retreat and before traveling July 11 - 17 to New Mexico with Craig to help my mom move in to Silver City from rural Cliff. It takes me a week to fold myself back in to home life, then finally! I paint in the owl and am taken with the intensity of her gaze...

Summer has been very productive and busy on many levels. I continue to sit with my Twins and the owl, listening, listening, listening... My mother becomes ill and goes into the hospital and I travel again to New Mexico Aug. 29 - Sept.7, this time alone, to be with her while she recovers. Her health situation has shifted to a new direction, and I feel that she has entered her end days. We talk about the business of dying, and the joys of living. My oldest brother also travels down from Sacramento to stay for a few days. Mom leaves the hospital and comes home, slowly regaining her strength, but definitely a shift has occurred. Nine days later I go back home and again must fold myself back in to home and work life. It's not easy.

September 20, 2008... Finally, at the budding of the Fall Equinox, I am inspired to paint in the Kali Yantra. Then begins a period of intensity for me physically, emotionally and spiritually. It feels like a roller coaster ride. Yet, much is being accomplished even amidst the intensity. Major movement, shifts, reorganization, releases, profound dreams - many of which are ancestral.

September 27, 2008... Still feeling "out of sorts," the fires of creativity are burning and I continue painting on the Twins, adding very personal elements. Laying the ground of Earth Mother at the feet of the twins; the sliver on a waxing New Moon - the moon I was born under; the water element and "life-streams" of my astrological chart going from belly to belly. The subtle suggestion of my Taurus Sun and Gemini Moon symbols (do you see them? Hint - they are large). I am pleased and delighted with how this body print is transforming, and how I am transforming. The roller coaster ride continues, yet I feel strong in my ability to go with the flow, not denying or putting down the feelings of intensity and the question of "where do I belong?" that lingers with me. I create a new altar in my studio - a medicine wheel - and at the New Moon eve of Sept. 28 I begin a daily ritual each evening; singing, drumming, playing my Native American flute, and praying.

In early October I begin a purging and cleaning out process in my studio and home. I have to take down my Twins in order to do this in the studio. I roll up the body print and store it safely for a while. I'm feeling joyful and light, happy to be clearing out "stuff" I don't need and rearranging for better flow of energy. I feel the best I've felt in weeks! Three days after taking the print down I have the realization that it was almost instantly after taking it down that my mood shifted to a lighter, less intense one. Oh yes! I had brought the Kali energy into my life and she had been doing her job very well, along with the fire, the twins, the owl... At this point I realize that this body print is a ritual piece, one to be used during ceremonies and when the energy for immediate transformation is called for. They will not be hung in a public place for permanent display, instead, they will be brought out as needed, used as a spiritual tool. Their power is great, and just like sacred power spots on earth, to be used sparingly and as needed. Otherwise the energy is so intense that one is likely to spin out if in its presence too long. I'm delighted to have this realization, and the understanding it brings of the previous weeks intensity is deep.

October 12, 2008... I complete the embellishment of stars, the mounting of the dowel for hanging the print, the trimming of the canvas edges, and the installation of the hooks the print will hang from in my studio. I'm delighted to introduce you to "The Goddesses of Initiation and Transformation." If you ever need some energy for transformation, be sure to visit them.

A Moment of Truth

A recent moment of truth experience for me was in March, 2008. I attended a workshop by Dr. Lucia Capacchione titled “Soul Play: Embracing Our Divine Selves”. We were guided through a variety of expressive art methods in order to access and embrace our soul’s divine self. This workshop validated a truth that has been growing larger in my view for over a year now, but really all my life.

Following are the journal writings I did that day with the truth that was spoken to me. Most of the journaling is written with the non-dominant hand, which accesses the right brain, or intuitive, higher self.

We started the days activities by picking out several SoulCollage cards from a deck that Lucia had made. SoulCollage cards represent a single energy, similar to a Tarot deck. Then we did free-writing and let the cards messages speak through our non-dominant hand. I picked five different cards and this is what I wrote...

We come from a center, the beginning place, that spirals outward from this center. It is multifaceted, individuation from Source. This Source is all nurturing, all encompassing, and showers its gifts onto us all. These gifts flow to all places; some paths are short, some long, some straight, some narrow, some wide, some crooked. This Source is all-seeing, and we are always the image reflected in its eye. The structures we build are our vision of Sources vision, yet the structures are like sand, which, any structure built from it, is temporary. Source is always holding our hand, and in that holding, energy is received and given at the same time. There is great joy and happiness in this sharing of energy, and there is also an innocence and trust like that of a child. Source appears to us in our dreams, and when we acknowledge and accept these gifts we awaken to the beauty and simplicity of what we often perceive to be complicated. The message from Source is to breathe in love, breathe out love, for  that is what we all are, and in this pure form all things are possible.

We were then directed to find an object in the room that spoke to us and potentially represented the message we just received in the writing. I picked a sculpture of two open hands, then found a round ball candle to put in the hands. Then we asked a question of the object, which was written in the dominant hand, with the answer written from the non-dominant hand.

Q: Illuminated Hands of the Angels, the Spirits, Source, what message are you bringing me this day?
A: The message is one of remembering who you are by way of the love energy that created you. Strip away from yourself the limiting beliefs and “have-to’s” that keep you cloaked from the all encompassing energy of love. Allow us to give to you and illuminate the love we are, and thus the love you are. We are here to support you in the unveiling of your true center. Release identities that keep you stuck so that your true self shines through, allowing fluid movement to your journey. Trust in our presence, as we are always with you. We are part of you. You are part of us. Not ever is there separation. Only the mind causes separation. The heart, love, is always one.

Then we were directed to write with our dominant hand our associations to the objects message. I wrote:

I am very close to all of the messages and images that have appeared here. I am very grateful for the reminders expressed, and especially the love and compassion being extended to me. These gifts are helping/serving to make me stronger in a way that isn’t physical as much as it is me being myself, in that true center that is the foundation of this strength. I know that who I am, this being of love, has a solid yet fluid core that can always feed and nurture all my endeavors.

After this we picked another SoulCollage card randomly from the stack, not knowing what we were choosing. I picked a card that had a flame in a fireplace, and a heart picture in a woman’s chest of a man and woman talking - a candle between them. There were also images of a room with many windows - an open view to the outside, and some flowers. What spoke to me the loudest in this card were the fire elements. My natal astrology chart has no fire elements in it, nor does my husband’s. Then Lucia facilitated me in a Voice Dialogue session with the fire element (I played the role of fire while Lucia interviewed the “fire”). This “fire” said it needs to be asked to be in my life, yet acknowledged that I have been bringing it into my life much more deeply in the past year, and that I have been energized and moved to action on many levels from inviting and bringing “fire” into my life.

After the voice dialogue session we were directed to make a collage using the message of the card and voice dialogue. At the top and to the right are the two collages I created. The top collage, “Points to Ponder” was the first one, and the collage at right, “Soul Food” was the second, and in answer to the first collage.

Here I Am!

To begin this blog, I'd like to introduce myself by sharing a speech I wrote for a college class in the fall of 2002.
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Ursula K le Guin wrote, “It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

I am a traveler through life. I am also an artist and imagine my life as a painting which has many paths in it. Of these paths some are decided by anothers actions, some are chosen by me, and some cannot be known until they appear suddenly. Each path colors my painting differently. Ms. le Guin’s quote means a lot to me now because I’ve experienced the disappointment of an unattained goal. I have learned that it is very important to enjoy the “painting” on the way to the goal for the direction could change in an instant.

This baby book represents my past. My parents chose my initial path and began my life’s painting during my conception, birth, and subsequent upbringing. Throughout my childhood I began choosing my own path and painting my own images of music, creativity, helping others, and loving nature. My heart’s desire at 16 was to be like Laura Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie; to live on the land and raise a family. At 19 I was married, farming and had a one year old daughter. Then, one August day, life as I knew it changed abruptly when my daughter drowned. My direction was altered overnight. I was completely unprepared for the effect her death had on me. I eventually left my marriage, beginning a new journey.

When I compare my current goals to those of the past I find that they have changed, yet elements of the past still remain in the painting. Even so, I have realized that what Emerson said is true. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.” This collage represents my life in the present. The intent now is to paint my life in a way that really matters, not only to me, but to all whose lives I touch. My focus is learning to teach others the value of creativity and expressive art for a healthy and fulfilling life; tools for designing the life they imagine.

This blank canvas represents my future. To me, the future is invisible. I may have goals and dreams which I journey towards, but I really have no idea what will eventually come to be. Just as I never imagined my daughter would die so young. When I think of my future I see a canvas full of potential and opportunity, open space for the colors of my life that will be painted on it as I imagine it. I also know that there are those unseen paths along the way, but my reaction to them has changed. Yes, the dramatically altered path can be challenging and sad. I know. But I look at all the young faces around me and am gladdened, for they are the canvas of the future waiting to be painted.

So, my life painting began with choices made by others, yet I was eventually able to choose most of the paths. The unexpected events that I had no power over altered my direction and colored my life in a way I didn’t choose. But, I decided instead to enjoy the process of painting and not just focus on the goal. Thus, I have a very colorful life, painted by all my experiences, both chosen and not. My future remains a blank canvas and only becomes painted with each passing moment. Upon my death my painting will be complete - at least in this world.

I leave you with this thought: Henry David Thoreau once said, “This world is but a canvas to our imaginations.”

I ask you, how will you paint yours?