Emptying

I write this as we are in a Balsamic Moon. The dark phase that is all about emptying. As I wrote in my last post, I continue to feel a great emptying in my being - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. This is not an emptying that is unwelcome. It actually feels really good when I allow myself to embrace it fully. I am cleaning house on all levels. I also recently realized that for me personally, this emptying process began in earnest when my mom transitioned nearly two years ago. Perhaps I am only now really seeing and feeling the emptying because so much has now emptied in these two years.

However it goes, from my own experiences and observing others around me who are also in a state of emptying, I'm of the opinion that "emptying" may be the new "normal", at least for awhile until we are all so empty it is time to fill again.

In the consumeristic paradigm of the supposed "civilized" nations and countries, we have been told and encouraged to obtain as much as possible. More, bigger, "super-size me". The evidence surrounds us and is staggering in its immensity. We have nearly emptied our earthly resources and filled our bodies, minds, emotions, homes, and the environment with what is now proving to be useless junk, jeopardizing our very health on all levels.

There is a new reality show on TV called "Hoarders", about people who live in homes that are filled to the brim with "stuff"— unused items, junk, trash, dirt, mold, rodents, pets, feces/urine, and they are unable to stop filling the space. They have emotional attachment to all these material things. They are losing family members and spouses, sometimes their home, or going to jail because of the hoarding. I watch it on occasion because this is fascinating to me, this state that many people have gotten in of over-consuming. And how hard it is to stop, to empty. I feel deep compassion for all these people who are challenged with hoarding.

Perhaps all those who are consciously emptying are assisting in bringing the pendulum to center and we are giving back to the earth and our environment in some way that we have yet to fully comprehend, let alone see right now. The tale from India, "The Cracked Pot", speaks to this in some ways. I certainly am holding vigil for the balance.

On another note, when my husband and I were recently on a v-e-r-y long drive up the coast heading to Sacramento after going through San Francisco (and empty in that we had not stopped to eat before getting snared in end-of-work-day Friday traffic), one of the experiences I had during some stop-and-go traffic time was the ability to feel in to the landscape around us when we weren't in the city. As we barely moved along portions of the routes that were open land, and me being the passenger, I could really look at the surrounding landscape. What I felt and saw startled me at first, but then came the "ah-hah" moment.

The spirits of the landscapes I observed were conveying a deep sadness and loneliness to me, yet also joy in that I was noticing them, feeling them. Because what has become "normal" here is people in their cars whizzing by, or when in stop-and-go traffic not paying attention to anything other than their cell phone conversations or hand-held video games, and perhaps worst of all, expressing and or feeling anger at the traffic situation, or whatever is going wrong in their lives. I was reminded of the book Listening to Wild Dolphins by Bobbie Sandoz and how she was told by the dolphins that they won't visit and swim with people when there is anger or other detrimental emotions being expressed while in the water - instead, they leave or don't even show up. Yet here these spirits of the land are surrounded and bombarded daily and unable to "swim" away, to leave.

And, sadly, scattered all over these landscapes is litter. Careless expressions of humanity. Symbols and tangible representations of what I call the global-waning-decay-cycle.

This experience was profound for me. I still feel the sadness and loneliness of those spirits of the land I encountered. And thankfully, I also still feel the joy and gratitude of these same spirits for my having given them my attention, for noticing the beauty that they still carry in spite of humanity's carelessness. All they really want is to be noticed, acknowledged, honored and respected. Isn't this something most of us want? I know I do.

Breathing in, breathing out...

Thanks for listening, and may your emptying process be welcomed and embraced.

Second Versions, or Re-Visions

On September 8th I engaged in creating a gemstone necklace for the 10th Lunation that began at the New Moon in Virgo. I completed it, but the design wasn't quite right and the thread also broke part-way through, which I repaired but wasn't thrilled about. So, I took it all apart (this was a knotted piece so I had to cut at each knotted section to remove the beads) and began again with a slightly altered design. After the second version was complete I was very pleased with how it looked and felt.

When writing in my 13 New Moons lunar journal for this day, I noted "...really like the second version. That seems to be the flavor of the day for quite a number of my creative projects lately - the mandala calendar, other lunation necklaces, the book of poetry I created on LuLu today. Hmm... second versions (re-visions)... Does that apply to my life in general in the space/time of transitions and transformations? Like the caterpillar to butterfly? In all the above cases the first version ultimately served a purpose for me to be able to fine-tune and know better what I want and like. Hmm..."

So, I've really been thinking about this concept of second versions, re-visions, on a personal level first, but on a collective/global level as well. Adding to this line of thought is the message I received in a dream from 8/20 - a dream that I've not stopped pondering since it came to me:

9 Illustrations

Sitting at a picnic table outside on a green lawn at the old Mtn. Ranch house (where I grew up from age 11), a man, who appears to be a teacher and I am his student as I have paper and pen in hand, is telling me that I need to finish the 9 illustrations for my project. I’ve completely forgotten about this part and wonder, as I think of all the other tasks I already have on my calendar, how I’m going to get them done in time. He also tells me that what I’m doing for a living now (I know this to mean my waking reality of graphic design, bodywork, bookkeeping) is something a lot of people are doing, is old news, and that I need to engage in something new and different. He suggests that the project he is orchestrating, and which I need to create the 9 illustrations to go with my writing for, IS the something new. I thank him for his advice. EOD

Well, this dream certainly seems to point toward the whole second version, re-vision theme. And in the emptiness that I have been and am still feeling quite deeply, perhaps this is all in Divine Order - I am empty and therefore can begin fresh, creating a second version of myself, a re-vision of myself, having learned now from the first version what I want and like. Hmm... do you think this might be possible not only for myself but for our communities, our countries, our world? Yes, I realize that the whole idea of second versions and re-visions isn't new, and we are all constantly in a state of remaking ourselves, conscious or unconscious, seen or unseen. However, what I'm feeling and speaking to is BIG. We are standing on the edge of a huge shift in consciousness and ways of being, of perhaps changing from always "doing" to simply "engaging" (establishing a meaningful contact or connection)—with ourselves, our families and friends, our communities, our world.

With these thoughts forefront in my heart and mind, I put together my altar yesterday for the 10th Lunation and the theme of it is "emptiness in the center". I have as one of the altar pieces—actually, it is what started the whole altar theme idea when I was "told" to use it—the wild woman doll I created right after returning home from my mom's transition in late 2008, the doll that is "Nameless, Faceless, Empty." Many other pieces I used on the altar also reflect "emptiness in the center" in some way. And, when one is empty there is room to be filled.

So, I know without a doubt that the "second version, re-vision" theme will be with me, and perhaps all of us, for awhile longer. The wonderful and hopeful element of this for me, and perhaps for you too, is that I most often LOVE creating the second versions!!!

Farewell for now, and may you find many blessings in every moment and every breath of your being.

The "Sign"

In an earlier post (Burning Questions) I mentioned my concern over attracting the financial resources I require to live, and as my role as a self-employed bookkeeper continues to change and evolve and clients decrease, that concern — HOW financial resources are going to come to me and in WHAT new and different ways — has been a constant mental companion. And not a companion that is necessarily fun to be around so often.

In a bit of a panic, I began thinking about what business establishment in the town I live in might actually be of interest to me to work in. And might even be hiring in the current economic climate. I've already worked in various settings in this town, and none of those I desire to return to. What came to mind was a bead store that I am a customer of. Yes! I love to make jewelry, love beads, and I could certainly enjoy working in this setting, if it was an option. The owner had hired an employee for the first time in just the past year. So, I approached the owner and mentioned that if she was ever in need of some help to let me know. Well, I didn't really expect her to jump on that offer so quickly, but she did, and a month later I found myself in her employ part-time.

I've been out of retail and haven't worked for others for about 8 years now. I realized that being an employee again might prove challenging, but I figured that working in a setting I liked, part-time, I could handle it, and I was even looking forward to schmoozing with the customers and getting my social fix. Perfect! Or, so it seemed...

Well . . . the current news is that I was quite suddenly "fired" from this position at the end of my work day this past week. It was all over a "sign", literally and symbolically!! All for the best, but still a bit rattling when it happened. I'm much more calm about it all now, but do find my thoughts going to "the scene" and replaying it every now and then. I don't know anyone who likes being fired. I sure hope the replays go away soon.

So, what I learned from this experience is that I can no longer, nor am I willing to, work for someone else to simply do their bidding. I must either remain self-employed or be involved in a true partnership and collaboration with another or others. My gifts and skills must be put to use in an environment that welcomes them. That was turning out to not be the case at the bead store.

I also realized that it was the "position" - working in a bead store - that I pursued, and of course the money, rather than for the reason of whether or not I actually liked the owner and how she operates her business and/or our personal resonance with each other. The owner happens to have a very challenging personality, but I thought that I would be able to be compassionate and accepting of this element and bring some calm and peaceful energy to the store. Hmm . . . perhaps some ego in here? Well, I CAN be compassionate and accepting, calm and peaceful, but perhaps not for these reasons while in her employ. Okay, I GET that one!

Thus . . . I was fired over my having taken down a newly placed sign in the window that, in my humble opinion, rudely stated, "We're Sorry, this is NOT A TOY STORE!" I interpreted this to say "No fun allowed here." So . . . why am I here?? Fun is something that I've been working very diligently on bringing into my life. I realized that I wasn't willing to sit behind the counter and be accountable for a sign of coldness directed to tourists and townspeople walking by, so I took it down. Well, that was the "sign" that I did not belong there, and the owner quickly did me the service of letting me go when I told her I had taken it down. Her words were, "That really pisses me off. We're done." I'd say that's pretty darn clear!!

Well . . . I am glad it only took four work days at the bead store for the experience I required from it to be complete. And, to be honest, I had my doubts of it lasting after my first work day. Hmm . . . why didn't I listen then? Well, perhaps I wouldn't have realized or gained the deeper meaning and knowledge available to me had I left after the first day. And yes, I was there first for the money, and second because I liked beads. Needing money makes one do funny things sometimes!!

Now for the next phase of my journey in attracting the financial resources I require. I was given another "sign" from a dream in the early dawn hours the morning after (following a very restless and sleepless night of replaying the "firing") - I dreamt that I was working in true loving partnership and collaboration with others and it felt lovely . . . and exactly what I want.

Touching the Wall

Today I had a lovely morning on the beach at San Simeon "cove" (aka W.R. Hearst State Beach), ritually offering to the sea holy water that has been prayed over, blessed, and on my altar exactly one year for one bottle (Cambria water I took to a Medicine for the Earth workshop April 17/18/19, 2009), and the other from Summer Solstice last year of cave water from California Caverns in the Central Sierras (I used to work there as a tour guide).

I knew it was time for these holy waters to be added to our Mother Ocean, but didn't realize until just now, writing this post, that the first bottle was EXACTLY one year from its initial blessing and transmutation, and today was the day I was strongly inspired to release these waters into the ocean. Wow!! Also, the cave water demanded that I release it into a nearby sea cave in a little standing pool, whereas the Medicine for the Earth bottle wanted to be released on the beach near a sea wall as a surge came in and then took the holy water out.

Prior to the release of the holy waters, having been blessed by sea water myself while visiting the inside of a sea cave (suddenly I found myself inundated by an incoming wave!), and now sitting and eating my ceremonial meal, beach strollers passed by me and it was quite obvious that they were headed straight for the "wall" to touch it before turning around.

You see, on this particular beach there is a sea wall that ends the beach and one must turn back at that point. At low tide there are some really fun little sea caves that can be explored, and at really low tide a hidden beach with more sea caves opens up. When I walk here, it is a given that I go all the way to the "wall" and touch it before returning. If for any reason I don't, my beach walk feels incomplete. Therefore, it is rare that I don't touch the wall. Turns out I'm not the only one who does this, which has tickled me to no end since encountering quite a number of strollers who do the same!!

So, having brought a journal and pen along with me, I was inspired to write a poem about this wall-touching phenomena, which I share with you now. Enjoy!

Touching the Wall

A leisurely stroll,
footprints in the sand,
cool water washing
over bare feet.

A feast for the senses:
salt air, talking gulls,
waves crashing, loons and
kayakers floating on the water,
grebes probing the sand,
warmth of the sun.

Treasures abound:
sand dollars, sea glass
shells and stones,
driftwood.

Low tide reveals
star fish and mussels clinging,
squishy and colorful sea anemones,
plus chances to peak
into sea caves.

As the beaches end
is reached,
strollers here are called,
pulled,
to touch the wall
before returning.

The Joy of Being

Remember those sprouted fava beans? Well, what happened is that only a half-dozen came up and I lost my momentum and excitement around their arrival. Sort of like what has been happening for me in my personal life. However, yesterday provided me just what I needed...

Cayelin Castell in her Celestial Timings message for February 1st, 2010 spoke about it being a good time right now to ask for a personal message or sign designed to let you know you are on track. Well, yesterday proved to be just that for me, and in ways that surprised and delighted me, and brought tears to my eyes.

I have been feeling off-and-on for awhile now a doubt about who I am in this world, what I have to offer, and do I truly have anything the world and those on it need? Am I for real? Or am I just kidding myself? I struggle with a part of me these days that doesn't remember, can't pull out of the depths of my brain, something I learned...or heard...or read...just a week ago, a day ago, ten minutes ago. And this brings the doubts.

However, what I have been dedicating my self to recently is simply engaging in projects, offerings, givings, that bring joy to my heart — even in the midst of uncertainty about where the financial resources to pay for my earthly obligations are going to come from.

So, my messages and signs that I am on track arrived, flooded in in fact, yesterday. I was overwhelmed and inundated by expressions of love and gratitude for who I AM, for what I offer, for simply being me. I had at least a dozen emails yesterday from various friends all expressing their version of this love and gratitude. And expressed deeply - no surface stuff here.

At first I was stunned, and when I awoke from that daze, I saw my signs!! I AM on track! Being me and engaging in what I love is where I AM supposed to be. I must continue to trust in this place, trust, trust, trust, that I will receive the financial support I need to fulfill my earthly obligations. For I AM certainly receiving the heart and soul support I need. THAT is the foundation upon which I will build.

My winter quadrant "Season's Ahead" mandala collage says it all:
"I AM what I choose to become - The Joy of Being."