The "Sign"

In an earlier post (Burning Questions) I mentioned my concern over attracting the financial resources I require to live, and as my role as a self-employed bookkeeper continues to change and evolve and clients decrease, that concern — HOW financial resources are going to come to me and in WHAT new and different ways — has been a constant mental companion. And not a companion that is necessarily fun to be around so often.

In a bit of a panic, I began thinking about what business establishment in the town I live in might actually be of interest to me to work in. And might even be hiring in the current economic climate. I've already worked in various settings in this town, and none of those I desire to return to. What came to mind was a bead store that I am a customer of. Yes! I love to make jewelry, love beads, and I could certainly enjoy working in this setting, if it was an option. The owner had hired an employee for the first time in just the past year. So, I approached the owner and mentioned that if she was ever in need of some help to let me know. Well, I didn't really expect her to jump on that offer so quickly, but she did, and a month later I found myself in her employ part-time.

I've been out of retail and haven't worked for others for about 8 years now. I realized that being an employee again might prove challenging, but I figured that working in a setting I liked, part-time, I could handle it, and I was even looking forward to schmoozing with the customers and getting my social fix. Perfect! Or, so it seemed...

Well . . . the current news is that I was quite suddenly "fired" from this position at the end of my work day this past week. It was all over a "sign", literally and symbolically!! All for the best, but still a bit rattling when it happened. I'm much more calm about it all now, but do find my thoughts going to "the scene" and replaying it every now and then. I don't know anyone who likes being fired. I sure hope the replays go away soon.

So, what I learned from this experience is that I can no longer, nor am I willing to, work for someone else to simply do their bidding. I must either remain self-employed or be involved in a true partnership and collaboration with another or others. My gifts and skills must be put to use in an environment that welcomes them. That was turning out to not be the case at the bead store.

I also realized that it was the "position" - working in a bead store - that I pursued, and of course the money, rather than for the reason of whether or not I actually liked the owner and how she operates her business and/or our personal resonance with each other. The owner happens to have a very challenging personality, but I thought that I would be able to be compassionate and accepting of this element and bring some calm and peaceful energy to the store. Hmm . . . perhaps some ego in here? Well, I CAN be compassionate and accepting, calm and peaceful, but perhaps not for these reasons while in her employ. Okay, I GET that one!

Thus . . . I was fired over my having taken down a newly placed sign in the window that, in my humble opinion, rudely stated, "We're Sorry, this is NOT A TOY STORE!" I interpreted this to say "No fun allowed here." So . . . why am I here?? Fun is something that I've been working very diligently on bringing into my life. I realized that I wasn't willing to sit behind the counter and be accountable for a sign of coldness directed to tourists and townspeople walking by, so I took it down. Well, that was the "sign" that I did not belong there, and the owner quickly did me the service of letting me go when I told her I had taken it down. Her words were, "That really pisses me off. We're done." I'd say that's pretty darn clear!!

Well . . . I am glad it only took four work days at the bead store for the experience I required from it to be complete. And, to be honest, I had my doubts of it lasting after my first work day. Hmm . . . why didn't I listen then? Well, perhaps I wouldn't have realized or gained the deeper meaning and knowledge available to me had I left after the first day. And yes, I was there first for the money, and second because I liked beads. Needing money makes one do funny things sometimes!!

Now for the next phase of my journey in attracting the financial resources I require. I was given another "sign" from a dream in the early dawn hours the morning after (following a very restless and sleepless night of replaying the "firing") - I dreamt that I was working in true loving partnership and collaboration with others and it felt lovely . . . and exactly what I want.

Touching the Wall

Today I had a lovely morning on the beach at San Simeon "cove" (aka W.R. Hearst State Beach), ritually offering to the sea holy water that has been prayed over, blessed, and on my altar exactly one year for one bottle (Cambria water I took to a Medicine for the Earth workshop April 17/18/19, 2009), and the other from Summer Solstice last year of cave water from California Caverns in the Central Sierras (I used to work there as a tour guide).

I knew it was time for these holy waters to be added to our Mother Ocean, but didn't realize until just now, writing this post, that the first bottle was EXACTLY one year from its initial blessing and transmutation, and today was the day I was strongly inspired to release these waters into the ocean. Wow!! Also, the cave water demanded that I release it into a nearby sea cave in a little standing pool, whereas the Medicine for the Earth bottle wanted to be released on the beach near a sea wall as a surge came in and then took the holy water out.

Prior to the release of the holy waters, having been blessed by sea water myself while visiting the inside of a sea cave (suddenly I found myself inundated by an incoming wave!), and now sitting and eating my ceremonial meal, beach strollers passed by me and it was quite obvious that they were headed straight for the "wall" to touch it before turning around.

You see, on this particular beach there is a sea wall that ends the beach and one must turn back at that point. At low tide there are some really fun little sea caves that can be explored, and at really low tide a hidden beach with more sea caves opens up. When I walk here, it is a given that I go all the way to the "wall" and touch it before returning. If for any reason I don't, my beach walk feels incomplete. Therefore, it is rare that I don't touch the wall. Turns out I'm not the only one who does this, which has tickled me to no end since encountering quite a number of strollers who do the same!!

So, having brought a journal and pen along with me, I was inspired to write a poem about this wall-touching phenomena, which I share with you now. Enjoy!

Touching the Wall

A leisurely stroll,
footprints in the sand,
cool water washing
over bare feet.

A feast for the senses:
salt air, talking gulls,
waves crashing, loons and
kayakers floating on the water,
grebes probing the sand,
warmth of the sun.

Treasures abound:
sand dollars, sea glass
shells and stones,
driftwood.

Low tide reveals
star fish and mussels clinging,
squishy and colorful sea anemones,
plus chances to peak
into sea caves.

As the beaches end
is reached,
strollers here are called,
pulled,
to touch the wall
before returning.

The Joy of Being

Remember those sprouted fava beans? Well, what happened is that only a half-dozen came up and I lost my momentum and excitement around their arrival. Sort of like what has been happening for me in my personal life. However, yesterday provided me just what I needed...

Cayelin Castell in her Celestial Timings message for February 1st, 2010 spoke about it being a good time right now to ask for a personal message or sign designed to let you know you are on track. Well, yesterday proved to be just that for me, and in ways that surprised and delighted me, and brought tears to my eyes.

I have been feeling off-and-on for awhile now a doubt about who I am in this world, what I have to offer, and do I truly have anything the world and those on it need? Am I for real? Or am I just kidding myself? I struggle with a part of me these days that doesn't remember, can't pull out of the depths of my brain, something I learned...or heard...or read...just a week ago, a day ago, ten minutes ago. And this brings the doubts.

However, what I have been dedicating my self to recently is simply engaging in projects, offerings, givings, that bring joy to my heart — even in the midst of uncertainty about where the financial resources to pay for my earthly obligations are going to come from.

So, my messages and signs that I am on track arrived, flooded in in fact, yesterday. I was overwhelmed and inundated by expressions of love and gratitude for who I AM, for what I offer, for simply being me. I had at least a dozen emails yesterday from various friends all expressing their version of this love and gratitude. And expressed deeply - no surface stuff here.

At first I was stunned, and when I awoke from that daze, I saw my signs!! I AM on track! Being me and engaging in what I love is where I AM supposed to be. I must continue to trust in this place, trust, trust, trust, that I will receive the financial support I need to fulfill my earthly obligations. For I AM certainly receiving the heart and soul support I need. THAT is the foundation upon which I will build.

My winter quadrant "Season's Ahead" mandala collage says it all:
"I AM what I choose to become - The Joy of Being."

Burning Questions

A friend of mine emailed an interesting article today that spurred a line of thought I'm going to share here. The article was in AstroFlash! from AstroSpirit.com, "a cosmic tidbit of astropoetic perspective from the celestial buffet." (I really like that description!!) Anyway, at the end of the article were the following questions based on the current astrological event of Saturn squaring Pluto. Even if Saturn wasn't squaring Pluto, I still think these are some great questions. So, I have answered them below, and would LOVE to hear how you'd answer them...

Saturn/Pluto Burning Questions and Actions

Q: What are the apparently insurmountable forces opposing me now?

A: First off, I want to say that I choose not to look at the collective situation as "opposing" me in the way this statement is most often taken, e.g., an opponent in some kind of battle. Rather, I look at opposing as an opportunity to face a situation straight on, full view, eye-to-eye. So from that perspective, I would have to say that for me personally at this time, today, I am faced with an unknown about how my financial situation will keep a roof over our head and food on our table. Even with considering eliminating unnecessary expenditures - like my cell phone which I hardly use because I'm mostly at home and have a land line - it may not be enough in the event that the state of affairs financially in the world continue to deteriorate dramatically. I've had a small cushion of $$ since my mom's death last year, but that is about to run out and my income has decreased since then with no obvious way of bringing in more, at least in my current view. I appreciate the word "apparently" when coupled with "insurmountable", because it is my feeling that just because I cannot see what's coming next for myself financially, it doesn't necessarily mean that what I will be facing is or will be insurmountable. However, it IS becoming more of a concern of mine on how we will be able to cover all our expenses as our "paychecks" decrease. So, this is the question of the week for me and one I feel could potentially be "apparently insurmountable." I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one experiencing this issue right now.

Q: What are the unconscious rules that limit me?

A: This is a really good question to follow the first. I really "get" that the way things have been in the financial world must change and be restructured, and it is most likely unconscious AND conscious rules about how one must BE financially in this world that are limiting me, and causing me concern about my current financial situation. The rules I grew up with were to either get myself a career that I worked at for 30+ years which had benefits and retirement, or get married to someone who could be the provider while I stayed home and raised the children. However, I have done neither, and instead have lived on the edge, paycheck to paycheck, since becoming an adult. This could actually be a benefit, considering the uncertain times we are in, since I do have over 25 years of experience of making do. And perhaps that, plus my background of knowing how to make something out of nothing, or with bailing wire and spit, will end up serving me in the shift that is occurring in the financial world. I'm really hoping so. Since I've never been very high on the financial ladder I don't have very far to fall, unlike a lot of folks out there. In my neck of the woods, what seems to me to be the missing piece for surviving this financial crisis is a real solid community of folks who are willing to work with each other. Maybe we would come together out of necessity, but that is just not clear at this point. So a part of me feels very alone in all this.

Q: Where do I need to focus my energy to make change?

A: Ah yes, and here's the rub. One might think I need to focus on finding ways to bring in more income, to sell myself in whatever way I can just to make a buck. After all I DO have a lot of skills that cover a broad range. But that feels restrictive to me, and I've never been inclined to go that direction anyway, at least not for very long. So, what to do? Well, perhaps the deep feeling I've been having for a while now of eliminating all the "old" stuff hanging around on every level, continues to be my answer. However, it's really risky because it only intensifies the unknown element and may bring judgment from others. But it feels more "right" to me than any other option. Therefore, it looks as though I need to continue focusing my energy on "lightening up" across the board.

Interestingly enough, for the waning last quarter moon on 11/9 (I keep a lunar journal), I picked my SoulCollage cards of "Risk Taker" and "Happy Inner Child." The message from Risk Taker was, "During these transitory times, risk taking is essential to moving into the new paradigm because of the level of unknown that is involved. Comfort is not really an option, for when one is too comfortable there is not movement." The message from Happy Inner Child was, "... continue a focus on bringing out [your] Happy Inner Child so that she can aid in [your] transformational process. [You are] still hanging on to the serious side of [yourself] and it is not helping." So, simply put - take risks and be happy about it!! LOL!!

Here's a little tidbit I found on the Saturn/Pluto square energy that really kind of fits with what I've been feeling... 

"So things are spinning, ending, grinding, and turning corners. This period is bringing finality to whatever has been, and could never be. With Scorpio so prominent, it's time to take note of deep feelings and say goodbye to whatever, creating the space to attract things more appropriate to who we are. The trick is to be patient in refusing all that is not appropriate, and welcome that which is.

"The square from Saturn to Pluto was prominent in the recent Full Moon of Taurus and Scorpio, which guaranteed everyone a wild ride with a major T-square driving the Grand Irrationality coupled with Mars septile Saturn. This is throwing us all into forks in the road in ways we will know our lives have changed in the near future.

"So say goodbye and hello, release and welcome, and let go of whatever and whoever is being spun away. We are all in the whirlwind, and must learn how to dance on the edge of eternity. We have nothing to lose but our fear."  © Copyright 2009 Robert Wilkinson

Sprouts Arising

The previous weeks melancholy has currently departed, much like the low tide that cleans debris from the beach, while also exposing hidden treasures. I've found a few of those treasures.

What continues to surprise me, in spite of being one who tunes in to and is aware of natural rhythms, is how every time I'm deeply entrenched in melancholy I think for certain "it" will last forever. Remind me not to "think" about such deeply emotional experiences!

So once again, "it" didn't last forever and I'm writing this today with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, and joy in the miracle of life.

Speaking of the miracle of life . . . there are fava bean sprouts beginning to peak their green heads from beneath the soil. Yea!! What is showing in the last couple of days are the beans I pre-sprouted to see if they wanted to live. Yet . . . much to my dismay (and only because I really wanted this miracle) . . . they are not all safe and sound because it just so happens that these tender, vulnerable, new shoots are quite appealing to the creepy crawlies and birds. Sigh... Well, perhaps when the mass exodus of buried seed to bursting out leaves occurs in the next week there will be more than the bugs and birds can eat. I think I'll still help out a little with bird netting and diatomaceous earth.

Here again I find a wonderful metaphor: I must be careful when exposing myself to the new world as I take root and grow, and my venturing out will benefit from having a guardian or two to shield me from potential dangers. But not too much protecting, for the tender shoot that is not allowed to experience the wind and sun will grow weak and spindly, falling over at the slightest breeze, and burning at the touch of the sun.

Ahhh . . . so many treasures.

A Seed Experiment

With the onset of autumn, the lengthening darkness that it brings, and the one-year anniversary of my mother's death about to arrive, I find myself wandering around in a bit of melancholy - a "funk" as some might call it. I found insights and healing just outside my back door...

In the Spring of 2008 my daughter and I put together a raised garden box in the backyard. We've enjoyed eating the foods that have come from it since then, but suddenly this summer plants started dying, seeds wouldn't sprout, and this garden box began to mirror how I was feeling inside. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I needed to care for the garden bed, to feed it, rather than expecting it to feed me. So I decided to plant a cover crop in it for the winter - fava (aka broad) beans specifically.

The experiment lies in that I have had a jar of fava beans for a couple of years now that I use in workshops, passing the seeds out to participants to represent "seeding new possibilities". These beans are for eating and have had the outer layer of skin removed somehow - perhaps blanching? I don't know. Anyway, I put a few of these beans in a wet wash cloth a few days ago to see if they would even want to sprout. And, much to my delight and surprise, three out of eight of them had sprouted quite vigorously in spite of their nakedness!!

So, this morning, with the waxing moon in Pisces, I dug up the garden bed and planted the entire jar of skinless fava beans in the dirt, including the sprouted ones. I'm really very curious to see if these beans produce plants.

The whole event is quite metaphoric to me: I, the tender skinless vulnerable one who feels depleted and hungry, is desperate to sprout new roots in new territory in spite of the sometimes hopeless scenarios surrounding me. What seems to be great odds against my being able to grow and flourish in a landscape also depleted and hungry, may actually produce the miracle of new life simply because new life is part of the grand cycle of this here earth. However, I must patiently wait to see if this will be so, tending and watering these new seeds with love.

I'd really love a miracle right about now.

Soul Matters:

Creating a Bucket List for Now and Later

Wayne's House Retreat Center

I hadn’t ever really considered creating a “bucket list” for now or later, yet I found myself inspired to attend a 3-day retreat this summer in Flagstaff, AZ that was going to delve into the realms of death that many people find uncomfortable and often avoid at all costs. That is, until they are faced with a terminal illness - and sometimes not even then.

So why would I, someone who to the best of my knowledge is not facing a terminal illness, choose to attend this type of retreat? Well, for one, I have a pretty healthy relationship to death. It doesn’t frighten me. Perhaps being raised on a farm helped. I was around birth, life, and death all the time. I understood it to be part of the natural course of things. And I have experienced the death of very close loved ones - including my first-born daughter when I was 19, and my mother just this last year - without them being devastating or horribly traumatic. Not to say I haven’t had my share of grieving around these deaths, which I have, just that for me death is a natural process that I’m not afraid to face.

View of volcanic plateau from Wayne's House

What has arisen for me since my mother’s transition is that I find I am interested in participating in a more celebrated and honored death process, for others and eventually for myself. To be a midwife to death. To welcome and guide the transition of death just as we more readily welcome and guide the transition of birth. And that is why I chose to participate in this retreat, which cleared the way for my potential journey into death midwifery. I say “cleared the way” because it is my understanding that one must fully embrace the dying process on a personal level to be effective in working with the dying. And one must also be willing to participate in depth journeys, to go inside the cave of death mysteries.

The retreat had many layers and elements, including a creative process that happens to be one of my favorites - mandala making (based on Dr. Judith Cornell’s work). We engaged in the mandala making after being guided through four levels of “death” and a final “rebirth.” All of these processes were facilitated in a very gentle, loving and nurturing way by our phenomenal retreat leader, Aleia O’Reilly, director of Further Shore, Inc. She created a very safe and supportive space for our depth journeys.

The intention for my Death #1, Mandala #1 is:
To emerge from the soul fire renewed and transformed.

It began with our first death in the east - the “physical act of dying.” We engaged our bodies in movement, we wrote a letter of goodbye to a loved one, and we had a last meal of our favorite food and drink. From here we laid down in a comfortable nest of pillows and were guided in meditation through the actual process of physically dying from a terminal illness. Arising from this meditation we went to the art table, set an intention, and began the creation of a mandala that represented what came to us from this first death experience.

The second death in the south was an “emotional death of letting go.” We were given index card prompts and instructed to write down ten of our favorite things (person, food, activity, etc.), which we then put in order of their importance to us.

The intention for my Death #2, Mandala #2 is:
It’s an inside job.

Laying down again in a nest of comfortable pillows, we laid our cards out next to us and were guided in meditation through the actual process of a terminal illness and having to let go of our favorite things as we got sicker and sicker. Given very precise circumstances, we had to choose which of our favorite things we would give up at that time, until we had only one card left. And then we had to let go of that final favorite thing as we reached our ultimate death. Wow, was this an interesting process! That last favorite thing was the hardest for me to let go of - it was my favorite person, who happens to be my husband.

Having just experienced my own mother going through a similar process of having to let go of her favorite things before she transitioned, I could really understand and grasp this exercise. Arising from this meditation we again went to the art table, set an intention, and began the creation of a mandala that represented what came to us from this second death experience.

The intention for my Death #3, Mandala #3 is:
Forgiveness of self.

The third death in the west was an “egoic death and life review healing.” This time we sat upright as we were guided in meditation through a life review process of specific areas such as unfinished business, greatest challenge, greatest joy, etc. Following the meditation we wrote down on index card prompts what came up for us during the meditation for each of the areas in the life review. We then picked one of the life review cards to create a mandala. I was first tempted to pick one of the “easy” cards such as greatest joy, but then realized my ego was making this choice, so instead I randomly picked a card, leaving it to spirit to move me to what was wanting to express in the mandala. I picked my “needs healing” card, and used the answer as my intention.

The intention for my Death #4, Mandala #4 is:
All the ways to my soul are open.

The fourth and final death in the north was a “spiritual death and fulfilling purpose in earth.” Using a couple of different processes we did investigative work around what traumas in our lives were still needing to be healed (Levels of Consciousness per David R. Hawkins in Power vs. Force), then worked to release and clear these traumas, and the levels of consciousness they kept us trapped in, using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Following these processes we went to the art table to create yet another mandala.

The intention for my Rebirth into Light, Mandala #5 is:
Be you... Soul wishes full expression
through this body at this time.
Your freedom is everyone’s freedom.

Now that we had experienced these four very profound deaths, it was time for rebirth in the east, the gateway to new beginnings and illumination of our earthly journey, and to be shown how we are “fulling purpose out of earth.” Sitting upright, we were guided in meditation - a very deep one for me - of being shown the blueprint of our lives, and for me personally, my life purpose now that I’ve cleared the way of much that was hindering my progress. What came to me very clearly in the meditation was my intention for the final mandala, including how it was going to look.

Complete with our deaths and rebirth, we celebrated our depth journeys with a closing circle, literally, using all our mandalas placed on the floor as the defining edge of the circle. It was really lovely to view the mandalas put together in this fashion, to see and honor the unique expressions of each participant, yet notice also how they all fit together smoothly and fluidly.

This was an incredibly healing and enlightening retreat for me and an experience that will remain in my heart for a long time to come, with more messages and realizations to unfold with each passing day. I really am no longer the person I was when I arrived at Wayne’s House.

Nameless, Faceless, Empty

This past year has been filled with many interesting journeys, but none so profound and deep as the journey of participation in my mother's transition back to Source. Yes, I was by her side when her spirit was released from the body, but I have been traveling on this journey with her for much longer than that. The past few weeks since mom's passing on November 22, 2008, remind me of the following passage from Oriah Mountain Dreamer's, The Invitation:

"It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children."

That sums up what I had to be and do the weeks up to and following mom's death. Coming back home from New Mexico, where she had lived the past 18 years, I was fortunate to be able to attend a "Wild Woman Doll Making" class I had arranged and thought I was going to miss due to being in New Mexico with mom. Attending to her end of life affairs went quickly and smoothly and we were able to come home earlier than anticipated. It ended up being the perfect re-entry for me as the class was the day after we got home. Instead of diving into unpacking I dove into creative expression and healing.

For me, my doll is nameless and faceless and represents simply "being" without an identity, a blank canvas in the Void for the next journey of my life. She gazes into and embraces an empty vessel, ready and waiting to receive, and then offer, her gifts.

The element of no identity was heavily influenced by my mom who had been working for many years now on releasing identities, or "labels" (for me, those labels were an "artist," a "mother," a "bookkeeper," etc.), a theme that I have made other art pieces around. I've painted the face, hands and feet black to represent the Void, and the bowl is one of my moms that happened to find its way home with me, and fits perfectly. This doll will certainly bring more messages over time and will certainly speak to me in other ways as I/she evolves. I look forward to her messages of wisdom that are given to me from the chalice of repose.

Although I had been traveling a journey of participation in mom's final days on earth, I did not travel the same path as her, as clearly shown to me in the following dream from September 17, 2008, just over two months prior to her transition:

Different Path

Mom and I are walking in a forest somewhere, I believe Alaska, and we are heading to the same place. I take a different path than her, going through the middle of the forest, where she is on the outer edge, but then realize that I need to stay closer and call out loudly several times to find where she is. I finally hear her call back and change my direction to meet back up with her. Just when I am about to connect with her path, a large and deep gully stops my progress. I remember being here before with someone else and know that there is a tree limb I can use as a bridge to get across, but I have to find it. I don’t find the same one, but do see a large oak tree limb going across. However, its bark is peeling off and is potentially rotten and I don’t feel confident in its stability and being able to safely cross on it. I test the limb by pushing down on it a few times, and even though it MIGHT be okay, I decide to keep looking for the safe tree limb that I remember.

Yes, mom and I are heading to the same place - back to Source. Yet we are each on a different path. Mom was clearly on the edge, I am clearly in the middle, and not to follow her too closely. It is not my time. I know this and don't push the issue, recognizing that my well-being is important.

I am honoring the wisdom of this dream by resting and nurturing my self as I surface from the depths of this incredible journey.

Bodywriting Journey

It began with the candles. We were each to connect physically with the color that called to us, then write about it. I felt the red candle in my body...

It feels like the beginning of life, that place of newness. It feels like the fullness of my womb and the flow of blood between my legs. It feels like the earth and the groundedness of my relationship with her. It feels warm and nurturing and powerful and instinctual. It feels like a fire that is beginning to burn. It tastes juicy and sweet. The color red is a place deep and dark and smells like the earth and the earth surrounds me with her arms of love and she sings sweet songs to me as I lie within her. I feel her at the core of my being, the very place of my soul in my body. The color red isn't always a color I choose. She is one I tend to shy away from . Her power is one that I am only now getting comfortable with. Now that I have cleared the way, the color red has become my friend, my companion, and one to whom I am grateful.

That evening we do "speed collage" of an intuitive nature and create the cover to our journals for the weekend in a very short time - I think we only had ten minutes. After the collages are complete, we are introduced to a wonderful process of feedback, which I LOVE! After I share how I feel about my collage, a chosen participant gives Phenomenological feedback: telling what they see - the facts of the collage (e.g. the words Window on the World, a woman wearing a black face covering, etc.), nothing more. Then another viewer gives Aesthetic feedback: how the collage makes them feel, memories invoked, stories remembered, all very personal to the viewer. One last viewer gives Artistic feedback: using a chosen medium to express the imagery in the collage - could be drawing, a poem or song, or dance. I get one last comment on this feedback process, and an assigned scribe gives me everything they wrote down for my feedback session. This process is repeated for everyone.

Saturday, June 21, 2008... Each morning we are to do automatic writing in our journal - 3 pages. This is not my favorite activity, but I go along and stay open to possible benefit. Then we begin the process of body printing, making "sketches" of greased-up bodies on newsprint. We determine our favorite positions and then go to the actual printing of two prints. One is done by painting our bodies with acrylic paint then printing on canvas, the other is our bodies painted with white gesso and printed on black pastel paper, with powdered chalk pastels thrown over the wet gesso to leave the color.

We have a printing partner for this process as we cannot easily do this alone. We must move our bodies in positions that are not easy to hold, and we have paint in places that must be cared for so as to get a clean print. Even though the room is full of naked women, we are so engrossed in our own process that we hardly even notice each other. The energy is high and everyone is having fun during this creation of our body prints. We all have a different body position and paint colors. As we complete our initial prints we hang them up to dry and then wash the paint off our bodies outside on a deck, our printing partner helping as needed with holding the shower hose.

All the acrylic body prints are now hanging on the walls of the studio, the pastel prints in other parts of the house, and we are cleaned, fed, and rested. Now we share about the process and watch a slide show of past Bodywriters to get ideas for tomorrow's embellishment. We will "stretch" our canvases by stapling them to the wall and adding a color wash to the entire canvas. After that we will begin painting and embellishing our body prints as we are so moved. We will go to bed tonight to dream on what the body prints want and need from us, and journal to this question in the morning.

Sunday, June 22, 2008... I do not have any dreams I remember, but my journaling says... No dreams to remember were needed as you have all you require to carry out the birth of form your body prints want to express. Trust your core intuition and heart knowing.

I ask the pastel body print "What do you need from me now?"... I need the support of my friends. Many hands are needed to guide my way into this life. Have your partner add her hands to my print. Since you are birthing me fully into a new world, a new community, the energy of another is my desire.

I ask the acrylic body print "What do you need from me now?" and pick a SoulCollage card - Elements: Fire... From the fires of initiation and transformation I come. Use the energy of this fire to give the elements of action, change, death and rebirth. This fire takes many forms. It can be small, slow and somewhat gentle, like the flame of a candle. It can be hot and fast like the eruption of a volcano. It can be a tool, like the flame that cooks nurturing food. You must use all these forms in my body print, as you have been through all of them and need to remember how the fire of life/death/life is an important part of your life/death/life.

I ask "How will I carry out this element of fire in the body print and who will be my guide?" and pick another SoulCollage card - Council: Protective Mother... The Protective Mother is with you during this time and process. She carries all the tools necessary for you to facilitate my expression of form. You are protected from energies that do not belong to you or me by the tigers who walk beside the Protective Mother. And your rooster totem stands guard, ready to alert of any danger, yet also to announce and strut my arrival.

The process unfolds for me beautifully and I am very pleased with what is born here at the Bodywriting Retreat. We share our experiences and tell the names of each of our pieces. The title of my collage is: On the Right Path. The title of my pastel body print is: Birth of Self, Emergence of Soul. The title of my acrylic body print is: Goddesses of the Flames of Initiation and Transformation. I journal with this body print and ask "Who are you? Why are you here?" and they reply... We are your twin soul, and we have come to show you the way to express and fully take form into the new Jennifer Star. "How will you do this?" We hold the sacred space you need to carry out your soul's work here, your service to the earth and all the living beings upon her. We stand back to back, keep you in the center, well protected and watched over. We come from a place of love, and extend that love to you at all times.

Now to go home with my body prints and continue the journey...

July 26, 2008... It's taken me over a month living with my body prints to get the nudge of inspiration and knowing on "what comes next," at least for the large print. The pastel print hangs in my bedroom where I awake to her presence every morning. The twins have been hanging in my studio/office, where I spend most of my time. I gaze at them, commune with them, listen to their messages. Many significant dreams come after the retreat and before traveling July 11 - 17 to New Mexico with Craig to help my mom move in to Silver City from rural Cliff. It takes me a week to fold myself back in to home life, then finally! I paint in the owl and am taken with the intensity of her gaze...

Summer has been very productive and busy on many levels. I continue to sit with my Twins and the owl, listening, listening, listening... My mother becomes ill and goes into the hospital and I travel again to New Mexico Aug. 29 - Sept.7, this time alone, to be with her while she recovers. Her health situation has shifted to a new direction, and I feel that she has entered her end days. We talk about the business of dying, and the joys of living. My oldest brother also travels down from Sacramento to stay for a few days. Mom leaves the hospital and comes home, slowly regaining her strength, but definitely a shift has occurred. Nine days later I go back home and again must fold myself back in to home and work life. It's not easy.

September 20, 2008... Finally, at the budding of the Fall Equinox, I am inspired to paint in the Kali Yantra. Then begins a period of intensity for me physically, emotionally and spiritually. It feels like a roller coaster ride. Yet, much is being accomplished even amidst the intensity. Major movement, shifts, reorganization, releases, profound dreams - many of which are ancestral.

September 27, 2008... Still feeling "out of sorts," the fires of creativity are burning and I continue painting on the Twins, adding very personal elements. Laying the ground of Earth Mother at the feet of the twins; the sliver on a waxing New Moon - the moon I was born under; the water element and "life-streams" of my astrological chart going from belly to belly. The subtle suggestion of my Taurus Sun and Gemini Moon symbols (do you see them? Hint - they are large). I am pleased and delighted with how this body print is transforming, and how I am transforming. The roller coaster ride continues, yet I feel strong in my ability to go with the flow, not denying or putting down the feelings of intensity and the question of "where do I belong?" that lingers with me. I create a new altar in my studio - a medicine wheel - and at the New Moon eve of Sept. 28 I begin a daily ritual each evening; singing, drumming, playing my Native American flute, and praying.

In early October I begin a purging and cleaning out process in my studio and home. I have to take down my Twins in order to do this in the studio. I roll up the body print and store it safely for a while. I'm feeling joyful and light, happy to be clearing out "stuff" I don't need and rearranging for better flow of energy. I feel the best I've felt in weeks! Three days after taking the print down I have the realization that it was almost instantly after taking it down that my mood shifted to a lighter, less intense one. Oh yes! I had brought the Kali energy into my life and she had been doing her job very well, along with the fire, the twins, the owl... At this point I realize that this body print is a ritual piece, one to be used during ceremonies and when the energy for immediate transformation is called for. They will not be hung in a public place for permanent display, instead, they will be brought out as needed, used as a spiritual tool. Their power is great, and just like sacred power spots on earth, to be used sparingly and as needed. Otherwise the energy is so intense that one is likely to spin out if in its presence too long. I'm delighted to have this realization, and the understanding it brings of the previous weeks intensity is deep.

October 12, 2008... I complete the embellishment of stars, the mounting of the dowel for hanging the print, the trimming of the canvas edges, and the installation of the hooks the print will hang from in my studio. I'm delighted to introduce you to "The Goddesses of Initiation and Transformation." If you ever need some energy for transformation, be sure to visit them.

A Moment of Truth

A recent moment of truth experience for me was in March, 2008. I attended a workshop by Dr. Lucia Capacchione titled “Soul Play: Embracing Our Divine Selves”. We were guided through a variety of expressive art methods in order to access and embrace our soul’s divine self. This workshop validated a truth that has been growing larger in my view for over a year now, but really all my life.

Following are the journal writings I did that day with the truth that was spoken to me. Most of the journaling is written with the non-dominant hand, which accesses the right brain, or intuitive, higher self.

We started the days activities by picking out several SoulCollage cards from a deck that Lucia had made. SoulCollage cards represent a single energy, similar to a Tarot deck. Then we did free-writing and let the cards messages speak through our non-dominant hand. I picked five different cards and this is what I wrote...

We come from a center, the beginning place, that spirals outward from this center. It is multifaceted, individuation from Source. This Source is all nurturing, all encompassing, and showers its gifts onto us all. These gifts flow to all places; some paths are short, some long, some straight, some narrow, some wide, some crooked. This Source is all-seeing, and we are always the image reflected in its eye. The structures we build are our vision of Sources vision, yet the structures are like sand, which, any structure built from it, is temporary. Source is always holding our hand, and in that holding, energy is received and given at the same time. There is great joy and happiness in this sharing of energy, and there is also an innocence and trust like that of a child. Source appears to us in our dreams, and when we acknowledge and accept these gifts we awaken to the beauty and simplicity of what we often perceive to be complicated. The message from Source is to breathe in love, breathe out love, for  that is what we all are, and in this pure form all things are possible.

We were then directed to find an object in the room that spoke to us and potentially represented the message we just received in the writing. I picked a sculpture of two open hands, then found a round ball candle to put in the hands. Then we asked a question of the object, which was written in the dominant hand, with the answer written from the non-dominant hand.

Q: Illuminated Hands of the Angels, the Spirits, Source, what message are you bringing me this day?
A: The message is one of remembering who you are by way of the love energy that created you. Strip away from yourself the limiting beliefs and “have-to’s” that keep you cloaked from the all encompassing energy of love. Allow us to give to you and illuminate the love we are, and thus the love you are. We are here to support you in the unveiling of your true center. Release identities that keep you stuck so that your true self shines through, allowing fluid movement to your journey. Trust in our presence, as we are always with you. We are part of you. You are part of us. Not ever is there separation. Only the mind causes separation. The heart, love, is always one.

Then we were directed to write with our dominant hand our associations to the objects message. I wrote:

I am very close to all of the messages and images that have appeared here. I am very grateful for the reminders expressed, and especially the love and compassion being extended to me. These gifts are helping/serving to make me stronger in a way that isn’t physical as much as it is me being myself, in that true center that is the foundation of this strength. I know that who I am, this being of love, has a solid yet fluid core that can always feed and nurture all my endeavors.

After this we picked another SoulCollage card randomly from the stack, not knowing what we were choosing. I picked a card that had a flame in a fireplace, and a heart picture in a woman’s chest of a man and woman talking - a candle between them. There were also images of a room with many windows - an open view to the outside, and some flowers. What spoke to me the loudest in this card were the fire elements. My natal astrology chart has no fire elements in it, nor does my husband’s. Then Lucia facilitated me in a Voice Dialogue session with the fire element (I played the role of fire while Lucia interviewed the “fire”). This “fire” said it needs to be asked to be in my life, yet acknowledged that I have been bringing it into my life much more deeply in the past year, and that I have been energized and moved to action on many levels from inviting and bringing “fire” into my life.

After the voice dialogue session we were directed to make a collage using the message of the card and voice dialogue. At the top and to the right are the two collages I created. The top collage, “Points to Ponder” was the first one, and the collage at right, “Soul Food” was the second, and in answer to the first collage.

Here I Am!

To begin this blog, I'd like to introduce myself by sharing a speech I wrote for a college class in the fall of 2002.
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Ursula K le Guin wrote, “It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

I am a traveler through life. I am also an artist and imagine my life as a painting which has many paths in it. Of these paths some are decided by anothers actions, some are chosen by me, and some cannot be known until they appear suddenly. Each path colors my painting differently. Ms. le Guin’s quote means a lot to me now because I’ve experienced the disappointment of an unattained goal. I have learned that it is very important to enjoy the “painting” on the way to the goal for the direction could change in an instant.

This baby book represents my past. My parents chose my initial path and began my life’s painting during my conception, birth, and subsequent upbringing. Throughout my childhood I began choosing my own path and painting my own images of music, creativity, helping others, and loving nature. My heart’s desire at 16 was to be like Laura Ingalls of Little House on the Prairie; to live on the land and raise a family. At 19 I was married, farming and had a one year old daughter. Then, one August day, life as I knew it changed abruptly when my daughter drowned. My direction was altered overnight. I was completely unprepared for the effect her death had on me. I eventually left my marriage, beginning a new journey.

When I compare my current goals to those of the past I find that they have changed, yet elements of the past still remain in the painting. Even so, I have realized that what Emerson said is true. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.” This collage represents my life in the present. The intent now is to paint my life in a way that really matters, not only to me, but to all whose lives I touch. My focus is learning to teach others the value of creativity and expressive art for a healthy and fulfilling life; tools for designing the life they imagine.

This blank canvas represents my future. To me, the future is invisible. I may have goals and dreams which I journey towards, but I really have no idea what will eventually come to be. Just as I never imagined my daughter would die so young. When I think of my future I see a canvas full of potential and opportunity, open space for the colors of my life that will be painted on it as I imagine it. I also know that there are those unseen paths along the way, but my reaction to them has changed. Yes, the dramatically altered path can be challenging and sad. I know. But I look at all the young faces around me and am gladdened, for they are the canvas of the future waiting to be painted.

So, my life painting began with choices made by others, yet I was eventually able to choose most of the paths. The unexpected events that I had no power over altered my direction and colored my life in a way I didn’t choose. But, I decided instead to enjoy the process of painting and not just focus on the goal. Thus, I have a very colorful life, painted by all my experiences, both chosen and not. My future remains a blank canvas and only becomes painted with each passing moment. Upon my death my painting will be complete - at least in this world.

I leave you with this thought: Henry David Thoreau once said, “This world is but a canvas to our imaginations.”

I ask you, how will you paint yours?