For My Family On the Other Side

A couple of years ago I was inspired to create a memorial altar for those relatives of mine who had transitioned - primarily grandparents and great-grandparents, but also my mother and firstborn daughter - and to gather little objects to go with their photographs that symbolize for me who they were and what I remembered most fondly about them if I had known them in this life. For those who I had not known - who had died before I was born or I was very young when they died - I asked living family members for information so that I could gather objects, and this was a truly touching experience in that I was able to see myself in them when these pieces were shared with me.

Today I found myself inspired to take photos of the altar (which happens to be made from a cigar box that belonged to my Grandpa Johnny), and to write down memories of them from the perspective of how they influenced my life and who I am now, by who they were then.

I have shed many tears during this process, and now wish to share it all with you. Descriptions below follow photos in the altar top to bottom, left to right.

Memorial Altar For Those On the Other Side

Great Grandfather on my mother’s mother’s side, Popsie. From you, a candy-maker at the turn of the 20th century, comes my love for all things sweet.

Great Grandmother on my mother’s father’s side, Nanny. From you and the silver dollars you gave all the grand and great-grandchildren as birthday gifts I learned how to be generous and the value of kindness and perseverance. And Great Grandfather on my mother’s father’s side, Pampy. I never knew you, but from you and the butcher shop you ran comes my ability to butcher the farm animals I’ve raised for my own food.

Great Grandfather on my father’s father’s side, Ole. I only knew you as a very young child, but from you came my love and ability for playing card games.

Great Grandmother on my mother’s mother’s side, Ollie. I never knew you, but my love and ability for sewing and creativity comes from the seamstress you were with your nimble, creative hands.

Grandfather, father to my mother, Johnny. From you and your hospitality business of restaurant and motel I learned to be of service to others in a similar fashion, and to appreciate the smell of a good cigar. And Grandmother, stepmother to my mother, Eadie (lower couple photo). From you and your excellent cooking skills in restaurant and home came my love and ability to cook all manner of delicious edibles. And from both of you I was given the honor of being born on your 25th wedding anniversary.

Grandfather, father to my father, Pop. From you, a farmer, came my love of raising farm animals and gardens. I remember fondly and miss eating your home cured green olives. And Grandmother, mother to my father, Mabel. From you and your having worked in a jewelry store for many years came my pierced ears and appreciation for the beauty of gemstones.

Grandmother, mother to my mother, Vonnie. I never knew you, for you left this world by your own hand at the age of 27 – leaving behind two young children and a husband – so difficult was your journey here in the absence of support for the depression that took over your life. Yet, through your story you gave me the strength to carry on when my own depression came forth, and the wisdom to ask for help and not go the journey alone.

Mother, Sally. I still miss you so. We were just getting to a place of balance in our relationship when it was your time to leave here. Yet, you left me with so many valuable traits that you are not really gone. From you I learned to ask questions, and to question the answers. From you I learned to love and take care of myself and to set boundaries, yet also to love deeply my beloveds of partners, family, friends, co-workers, all life. From you I also learned to feel deeply and to be okay with that even when it hurts.

Front of Memorial Altar Box

Firstborn daughter, Sashena May. You are an angel that graced our lives for such a short time. From you I learned at age 18 that if I can make it through three nights of hard labor and still hold a mirror to see your arrival, I can do anything. From you I learned how to love somebody deeper than I’d ever loved before. From you I learned that when someone you love deeply dies, like you did at 11 months old, life still goes on, new lives arrive, my life can and did become something wonderful and cherished, and that death is not the end.

To my family on the other side mentioned here - plus all ancestors - I give deep thanks and eternal love for all you’ve given me and for who I am because of who you were. I honor you and keep you near with this altar of memories.

In Loving Memory of Wende Lynn Santos

Wende Lynn Santos

April 28, 1953 - October 20, 2010

Tomorrow (6/19/11) a celebration of my friend Wende's life is being held in Lincoln City, Oregon. I found out about her passing after returning from our Lake Powell trip. I had a feeling while on the trip that I was going to come home to a message that someone I knew had transitioned. Sure enough, there was an email from Wende's daughter Sierra waiting for me.

I'm unable to attend Wende's celebration of life in person, but have expressed here the most meaningful and profound memories I have of our connection.
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My friend Wende…

When I was a young woman in my teens, Wende befriended me and took me under her wings. Eleven years my senior, and sister Taurean, I looked up to and admired Wende, and she ultimately proved to be a valuable role model with three specific incidents between us that deeply affected me and who I have become.

The first incident was when I was babysitting her young daughter Sierra at their small cabin in the woods. I stole something of Wende’s and after doing so I was wrought with guilt over my action because Wende had been such a good friend to me. Why would I do something so foolish? A couple of weeks later, I couldn’t take it any longer and I approached Wende, confessing my act. I thoroughly expected that she would be very angry and that my punishment would be the ending of our friendship. But my love for and need of approval from Wende was so great that I couldn’t leave what I had done hidden, no matter what the consequences might be.

What followed my confession surprised and deeply affected me. Wende didn’t get angry, she simply listened and didn’t say anything. After an awkward silence I asked her if she was going to punish me, and she said, “Nope. It is apparent that you’ve already punished yourself quite a lot and that you are truly sorry for what you did. That is enough. Anything more is unnecessary.”

Having experienced being punished for telling the truth when I was a child, Wende’s kindness, compassion, and ability to see that I had already learned from my foolish action has stayed with me ever since and aided me when I became a mother, as well as with my interactions with others under similar circumstances but with me being on the other side.

Jennifer, Wende and Billie Lou - Calaveras Folk Festival, Sept. 1990

The second incident was another foolhardy teenage act. I was again babysitting 3-year-old Sierra. A recent licensed driver at 16, I was taking her to Wende in Mtn. Ranch when I did a very careless thing – I turned the car engine off so as to coast down the hill. I had done this before, but this time I removed the key from the steering column and this caused the steering wheel to lock up as we went around a corner. I braked and braced for impact, the car hit a bank and flipped over, and now I was scurrying to get myself and Sierra out of the car, concerned about a fire or an explosion. The other careless thing I did was to not have Sierra buckled up, so when we crashed she was flung around a bit. Fortunately, Sierra was not hurt more than some bumps and bruises.

When all was said and done, what Wende did for me was to remain my friend even though I had endangered her child’s life. Yes, she was angry at my teenage foolishness, but she didn’t give up on me, allow it to stop her love for me, nor her continuing to be a part of my life. But I wasn’t asked to do any further babysitting of Sierra. As a mother now, I understand her decision then.

Jennifer and Wende - Brookings, OR 1991

The third incident was 10 years later when I was an adult in my twenties. I’d married young, at 17, gave birth to three children and was now divorced. Having jumped into marriage and raising a family so young, including the death of my firstborn, I was making up for lost time then, partying a lot and having many boyfriends. Wende was concerned about my behavior and asked if we could meet so that she could express her concerns in detail.

I’d never been one who handled confrontations well, and this certainly felt like it would be one, so I was at first leery of saying yes to the meeting. However, this was Wende, my friend who had been there for me during my foolish teenage years, for the death of my firstborn daughter, and for my divorce. I owed her, at the very least, my willingness and openness to hear her out. So I agreed and we met. After our meeting I wrote a poem about the experience:

Painful Words

“Jennifer, I need to talk to you.”

“Okay, I’ll come by soon.”

Now my mind is racing round

But my heart feels the pull of the moon…

The moon, the dark and silent one

The one to explore the depths

The give and pull of tides and waves

Where truth will reach out and get

You, or me, as it was that day

When witty Wende said

She needed to rid her chest of words

She had left as yet unsaid

The time was set, plans were made

To meet on the evening of Friday

Then I spent time preparing myself

To be open to what she would say

I arrived, we conversed

Conversation was pleasant

We traded some cookies we’d made

Then finally got down to the business

“This is not very easy,” she said,

“I feel I’d rather write to you.

But again, the points must be made

And for this I really must face you.”

“That’s fair,” I said, “I understand,

And for you I’ll sit and listen

So that you may say your piece

Without interruptions, so nothing is missin’.”

She began to speak

I felt and took it in

Attempting to sort out

The truths from the opinions

While sitting there listening

I felt as though

My body was positioned

As if to protect from a blow

I looked down at myself

Saw my physical was balanced

Realized it was my spirit

In a protective stance

Finally the words stopped

All had been said

Silence then followed

With deep thoughts in my head

I knew some things were valid

In knew some where disappointments

Of having seen a side of me

That had not been know of as yet

I thanked my friend for sharing

Her thoughts and concerns with me

The painful aspects of friendship

Are not easy to face openly

We both felt better about each other

We hugged and kissed and laughed

The bond between us was strengthened

By the love that makes friendships last

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Jennifer and Wende - Brookings OR beach 1991

Wende and I remained friends, but when she moved to Oregon not long after this poem was written we saw each other only once more in the physical when my second husband and I (just beginning to date at that time) went up to visit her in Brookings in the fall of 1991. We corresponded and spoke on the phone off and on for many years after that, but finally I lost touch with Wende around 2005 or so when a holiday card I’d sent was returned with no forwarding address.

However, even though Wende and I drifted apart physically, her influence on my life and who I have become is permanently embossed on my heart.

Wende, your big smile, infectious laugh, quirky sense of humor, unconditional love and yummy hugs are forever remembered.

Much love and gratitude I have for you my dear friend – Witty Wende!

The Magic of the Desert Canyons & Deep Water

The magic began soon after we crossed the Nevada/Arizona border into Arizona. The shift in energy I experienced was palpable, profound. No, it wasn’t just that we had finally left behind the energy of Las Vegas and the surrounding areas gambling frenzy, with the huge billboards along the highway that read like a book, trying to suck you into their world. It was much more than that. The land spoke to me. I heard it. I felt it. There was a calm, a peacefulness, a sigh of relief, a welcome.

Just before my husband and I entered the “gateway” to the expanse of canyons in northern Arizona and southern Utah, driving along a vast valley at the base of some rocky mountains, one of the rockiest mountains spoke deeply to my heart and the tears began to flow from my eyes. There were no words. Just feeling. I was being cracked open, my body, mind and spirit connecting quite strongly to the land.

And then came the first canyon, the “gateway” through the Virgin River Canyon, and the tears kept on flowing, and the crack in my being kept opening wider and wider. My husband stopped the car, both of us divinely overwhelmed with it all, and getting out we simply took in the magnificence, feeling the embrace of Mother Earth. We peeked over the edge of the roadway and gazed at the Virgin River, the blood of Mother Earth flowing below us, full and red.

Back in the car continuing on our journey through the canyon, with a wet face and a touched heart I turned to my husband and said, “We are in the right place at the right time. This is exactly where we are supposed to be.” With that comment we came around a bend that would leave this canyon behind…and there before us was a rainbow! I squealed in delight, feeling deeply the validation of my statement. Yes! We were in the right place at the right time, exactly where we were supposed to be.

In Page, Arizona now, prior to us heading out to Lake Powell for two days, we find a packet of Cedar on our motel bed with a card that says:

Ya’at’ééh (Welcome)

We are delighted you have chosen to stay with us. The Navajo Nation Hospitality Enterprise extends a warm welcome to you and invites you to share in our heritage. This cedar herb is most commonly used in prayers. The idea being the smoke rises with your prayers to the “Holy People” who watch and guide us from above. Navajo people relieve their stresses of today’s world and take a few moments to pray. They pray to regain a sense of balance between self and others.

Please take this cedar as a sign of goodwill from our “home” to yours. When lit, the smoke becomes a scent of serenity you can keep in your home or car. On behalf of the staff at the Quality Inn we wish you safe travels and anticipate your return.

Ahéhee’dóó, Nizhónigo Naninaa’doo
(Thank you & may you walk in beauty)

This was a perfect addition to the magic and welcoming we had already been experiencing by the land we were traveling through.

After our first wonderful day boating on Lake Powell—viewing magnificent buttes, cliffs and sculpted sandstone, exploring many beautiful side canyon waterways, floating in profound silence on the water, playing my Native American flute, and boat camping at a private cove in a small side canyon while sleeping under the bright nearly-full moon and stars—I wrote in my lunar journal the following piece about our journey so far:

Today I am thankful for: The mountains that move me and embrace me... Breathing in the gentle strength of my surroundings... Drinking in the deep nourishment the watery depths provide... Releasing out easefully all that has been completed... Giving away through love that which is no longer needed... Being in the moment, One with All That Is... Loving this experience and all the blessings gifted...

After our second day on the water I found myself reflecting on the experience, and I found that one element of boating through the smaller canyon waterways turned out to be a metaphor for life itself and especially the times we are in with so many doomsday, end of the world prophecies and predictions.

And the metaphor is that just when it appeared the way ahead was ending—an illusion of looking like a solid wall before us or a path too narrow, and we began thinking we must soon turn around and go back—more was revealed the closer we got to the apparent end. The next opening for the next bend would suddenly show itself, and the way ahead most often continued on, bringing with it new discoveries, new twists and turns, new sights to enjoy, all while embraced in the breast of Mother Earth. The other important piece to this was rate of speed. The slower we approached the illusion of an “end,” the easier it was to find the next bend and to navigate into it. If we went too fast we’d miss it or pass it by or crash into a wall. This entire experience and realization was just so very profound and deeply moving. Without any doubt, I know it will stay with me forever.

I wrote in my lunar journal the following to describe the experience of Lake Powell:

The desert red rock canyons offered me a deeper opportunity for a silence that spoke volumes. The absence of animals and birds allowed the land and sky and water their voice. In the quiet moments of All That Is I heard this message from the Cosmos:

“When the way before you appears to end, go just a little farther, a little closer, and the path ahead will be revealed to you. And venture forth even when the path before you may appear to be a space too small, too tight; for the whole world will open up to you in a bigger way once you dare to squeeze through.”

What I learned is that perspective changes everything and reveals what was previously hidden…

On our return home, we drove through the Virgin River Canyon again. This time when we stopped and got out we gave thanks to this gateway that initially welcomed us so profoundly into the arms of Mother Earth via her red rock canyon lands, affirming that we were in the right place at the right time, exactly where we were supposed to be.

Another interesting point to note about our journey is that during all the long periods of driving we did, not once did the radio get turned on. For me this isn’t such a big deal, but for my husband it is. The part of this that intrigues me the most is that the Full Moon on May 17th was at 26° Scorpio, the Spiritual Principle of Silence per Connie Kaplan in The Invisible Garment:

"Silence is really a paradox. Absolute Silence is impossible as long as one is in form. … To achieve Silence is to go into a direct, holy integration with sound. Silence is the sound of the spheres, the sound of God, the sound of Life Itself. … Silence is being with beingness. Silence is sitting still and listening to the beingness of yourself, your environment, your cosmos. It invites the mystic in you to come forth. Silent times and silent spaces are absolutely necessary for truly experiencing the connectedness and profundity of life."

It seems that we had truly tapped into this energy for the entire trip—before, during and after the Full Moon, driving, boating and driving. The profound silence of the canyons was something I will forever remember, and the ability my husband and I had to journey long periods in comfortable, relative silence is also profound and ultimately healing and revealing on a very deep level. For all of this I am truly grateful, forever touched in my heart and soul by our phenomenal journey experience with the magic of the desert canyons and deep water.

Honeybee Appreciation

I was digging through some old emails, revisiting for keeping or purging, when I came across this piece about honeybees that I wrote in May of 2007 after engaging in a ceremony at the New Moon following my having read about a suggested "honeybee appreciation ceremony" to honor all the honeybees that have been dying due to what's being called Colony Collapse Disorder. Since I recently had a dream about honeybees it feels relevant to bring this essay out for re-view and to share with you here.
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Yesterday [May 2, 2007, New Moon/Lunar Beltane] I returned to the "Cove" as we locals call it, the beach I walked on on Tuesday [May 1, 2007] that had all the dead honeybees all over the sand at the water line. As I suspected, most sign of bees from the day before were gone, but I did find perhaps a dozen or so remaining bee bodies in the sand.

I went to the end and remote part of the beach, setting up a space for ceremony and prayer in appreciation of the honeybees. I smudged with white sage and offered it to the four directions and to the circular spiral of life. Then I sat on a log, feet firmly in the sand, and began the meditation on appreciation. I went very quickly and easily into a space of appreciation as I was surrounded by so many elements that I have deep appreciation for - the sand in between my toes, the sound of the waves, the wind blowing through the eucalyptus trees nearby, breathing in the ocean laced air, the song of the seagulls, my life, this beautiful planet we live on, etc. Then I focused this appreciation on the honeybee and saw various images of them - pollinating/making love to the flowers; the heavy load of pollen on their tiny legs as they travel from flower to flower; the sweet nectar of life they produce; the perfect geometry of their comb, their home; even thought about the times I've been stung and how amazing it is that the honeybee is willing to give its life to protect the hive. This last thought brought unexpected deep tears of gratitude welling up in my eyes. Then I gave the powerful breath of appreciation to the honeybees.

Next I pondered further on the fact of honeybees giving their lives to protect the hive. I had a deep sense that this element, this fact, is key to what is happening with the massive death of honeybees. I cannot explain it any further than this. It is a knowing, a deep down knowing, and perhaps now that I've had this epiphany and brought it to consciousness more information will surface.

I also took the opportunity and did personal ritual to release/burn energies, ways of being, that no longer serve me, and to ask for, plant the seeds, of new energies and ways of being that will benefit me.

Then I pulled a tarot card on behalf of the honeybee from a new deck I recently acquired called The Tarot of Transformation. I pulled the One of Disks. The accompanying book says of this card:

1 of Disks: Birth into Form 

"The meaning of the 1 of Disks becomes clear if you remember that disks represent the material world and that 1 is the number of beginnings. The 1 of Disks is, therefore, about new beginnings in the concrete world of daily life, and the egg is a perfect symbol for it. The egg includes both the seed of the new form and the nourishment that supports its development.

"The Minor Arcana do not work with the number 0, but if there were a 0 of Disks, it would represent the empty space that makes room for new forms. If there is no room for something to manifest in our lives, it is much more difficult. So 0 is the prerequisite to 1, and in a sense this card is about both.

"Just as it is useful to have the clear awareness that allows us to watch a thought arise (1 of Swords), it is useful to make ready a space in our lives so we can meet new relationship, roles, environments, artifacts, or anything that manifests on the physical plane. We can then examine how this new form fits with the space and determine whether it adds or detracts. We give this too little attention in our culture, busy as we are cramming more and more into cluttered lives and cluttered landscapes. By refining our awareness, we can better discriminate which forms are supportive and nurturing, and which are not.

"When you draw or are drawn to this card, it indicates the beginning of a new pattern in your life, or the need to clear the space for one. This is a good time to deep-clean your house, let go of things you no longer need, and take stock of current relationships and activities. New beginnings are important, and your readiness sets the stage for them to thrive."

With this reading it dawned on me that perhaps the massive death of honeybees, the giving of their lives to protect the "hive", is creating an empty space for a new form to develop. Now to wait and see what this new form is...

And for giggles, here is information on Bee Medicine I looked up online:

Bee Medicine 

MEANING: Hard Work, Community, Communication

"Bee People are learning to be diligent, industrious and to work cooperatively within their own community. Bee may have come to you regarding the community of your family, co-workers or humanity.

"Bee serves a very important purpose for the environment as a whole by pollinating flowering plants; therefore they are called pollinators, which means they transfer pollen from the stamen of a flower to the tip of the flower. Their treat is the nectar within the plant. Their role is vital to the environment. There are some types of bees that may be solitary, although most bees live in various sorts of communities (families). The most advanced colonies are found among the honeybees and stingless bees.

"When Bee medicine grabs your attention it is reminding you to work within your community or family and to do your part. Bee is a hard-worker and each Bee is dependent on the next to support the entire hive community. Bee is mostly concerned with the needs of her intricate hive family. The bee community runs easily and effortlessly due to the perfected communication between all of its members by way of the 'waggle dance' or 'dance language.' Bee will communicate what she has found in the flowering plants to other bees in order to recruit worker bees of the hive to forage in the same area.

"Bee's message is about communication, working hard and doing your part to aid the community in which you are a part. There is reward for such hard work, which is enjoying the fruits of your labor . . . Nectar!"

Emptying

I write this as we are in a Balsamic Moon. The dark phase that is all about emptying. As I wrote in my last post, I continue to feel a great emptying in my being - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. This is not an emptying that is unwelcome. It actually feels really good when I allow myself to embrace it fully. I am cleaning house on all levels. I also recently realized that for me personally, this emptying process began in earnest when my mom transitioned nearly two years ago. Perhaps I am only now really seeing and feeling the emptying because so much has now emptied in these two years.

However it goes, from my own experiences and observing others around me who are also in a state of emptying, I'm of the opinion that "emptying" may be the new "normal", at least for awhile until we are all so empty it is time to fill again.

In the consumeristic paradigm of the supposed "civilized" nations and countries, we have been told and encouraged to obtain as much as possible. More, bigger, "super-size me". The evidence surrounds us and is staggering in its immensity. We have nearly emptied our earthly resources and filled our bodies, minds, emotions, homes, and the environment with what is now proving to be useless junk, jeopardizing our very health on all levels.

There is a new reality show on TV called "Hoarders", about people who live in homes that are filled to the brim with "stuff"— unused items, junk, trash, dirt, mold, rodents, pets, feces/urine, and they are unable to stop filling the space. They have emotional attachment to all these material things. They are losing family members and spouses, sometimes their home, or going to jail because of the hoarding. I watch it on occasion because this is fascinating to me, this state that many people have gotten in of over-consuming. And how hard it is to stop, to empty. I feel deep compassion for all these people who are challenged with hoarding.

Perhaps all those who are consciously emptying are assisting in bringing the pendulum to center and we are giving back to the earth and our environment in some way that we have yet to fully comprehend, let alone see right now. The tale from India, "The Cracked Pot", speaks to this in some ways. I certainly am holding vigil for the balance.

On another note, when my husband and I were recently on a v-e-r-y long drive up the coast heading to Sacramento after going through San Francisco (and empty in that we had not stopped to eat before getting snared in end-of-work-day Friday traffic), one of the experiences I had during some stop-and-go traffic time was the ability to feel in to the landscape around us when we weren't in the city. As we barely moved along portions of the routes that were open land, and me being the passenger, I could really look at the surrounding landscape. What I felt and saw startled me at first, but then came the "ah-hah" moment.

The spirits of the landscapes I observed were conveying a deep sadness and loneliness to me, yet also joy in that I was noticing them, feeling them. Because what has become "normal" here is people in their cars whizzing by, or when in stop-and-go traffic not paying attention to anything other than their cell phone conversations or hand-held video games, and perhaps worst of all, expressing and or feeling anger at the traffic situation, or whatever is going wrong in their lives. I was reminded of the book Listening to Wild Dolphins by Bobbie Sandoz and how she was told by the dolphins that they won't visit and swim with people when there is anger or other detrimental emotions being expressed while in the water - instead, they leave or don't even show up. Yet here these spirits of the land are surrounded and bombarded daily and unable to "swim" away, to leave.

And, sadly, scattered all over these landscapes is litter. Careless expressions of humanity. Symbols and tangible representations of what I call the global-waning-decay-cycle.

This experience was profound for me. I still feel the sadness and loneliness of those spirits of the land I encountered. And thankfully, I also still feel the joy and gratitude of these same spirits for my having given them my attention, for noticing the beauty that they still carry in spite of humanity's carelessness. All they really want is to be noticed, acknowledged, honored and respected. Isn't this something most of us want? I know I do.

Breathing in, breathing out...

Thanks for listening, and may your emptying process be welcomed and embraced.

Second Versions, or Re-Visions

On September 8th I engaged in creating a gemstone necklace for the 10th Lunation that began at the New Moon in Virgo. I completed it, but the design wasn't quite right and the thread also broke part-way through, which I repaired but wasn't thrilled about. So, I took it all apart (this was a knotted piece so I had to cut at each knotted section to remove the beads) and began again with a slightly altered design. After the second version was complete I was very pleased with how it looked and felt.

When writing in my 13 New Moons lunar journal for this day, I noted "...really like the second version. That seems to be the flavor of the day for quite a number of my creative projects lately - the mandala calendar, other lunation necklaces, the book of poetry I created on LuLu today. Hmm... second versions (re-visions)... Does that apply to my life in general in the space/time of transitions and transformations? Like the caterpillar to butterfly? In all the above cases the first version ultimately served a purpose for me to be able to fine-tune and know better what I want and like. Hmm..."

So, I've really been thinking about this concept of second versions, re-visions, on a personal level first, but on a collective/global level as well. Adding to this line of thought is the message I received in a dream from 8/20 - a dream that I've not stopped pondering since it came to me:

9 Illustrations

Sitting at a picnic table outside on a green lawn at the old Mtn. Ranch house (where I grew up from age 11), a man, who appears to be a teacher and I am his student as I have paper and pen in hand, is telling me that I need to finish the 9 illustrations for my project. I’ve completely forgotten about this part and wonder, as I think of all the other tasks I already have on my calendar, how I’m going to get them done in time. He also tells me that what I’m doing for a living now (I know this to mean my waking reality of graphic design, bodywork, bookkeeping) is something a lot of people are doing, is old news, and that I need to engage in something new and different. He suggests that the project he is orchestrating, and which I need to create the 9 illustrations to go with my writing for, IS the something new. I thank him for his advice. EOD

Well, this dream certainly seems to point toward the whole second version, re-vision theme. And in the emptiness that I have been and am still feeling quite deeply, perhaps this is all in Divine Order - I am empty and therefore can begin fresh, creating a second version of myself, a re-vision of myself, having learned now from the first version what I want and like. Hmm... do you think this might be possible not only for myself but for our communities, our countries, our world? Yes, I realize that the whole idea of second versions and re-visions isn't new, and we are all constantly in a state of remaking ourselves, conscious or unconscious, seen or unseen. However, what I'm feeling and speaking to is BIG. We are standing on the edge of a huge shift in consciousness and ways of being, of perhaps changing from always "doing" to simply "engaging" (establishing a meaningful contact or connection)—with ourselves, our families and friends, our communities, our world.

With these thoughts forefront in my heart and mind, I put together my altar yesterday for the 10th Lunation and the theme of it is "emptiness in the center". I have as one of the altar pieces—actually, it is what started the whole altar theme idea when I was "told" to use it—the wild woman doll I created right after returning home from my mom's transition in late 2008, the doll that is "Nameless, Faceless, Empty." Many other pieces I used on the altar also reflect "emptiness in the center" in some way. And, when one is empty there is room to be filled.

So, I know without a doubt that the "second version, re-vision" theme will be with me, and perhaps all of us, for awhile longer. The wonderful and hopeful element of this for me, and perhaps for you too, is that I most often LOVE creating the second versions!!!

Farewell for now, and may you find many blessings in every moment and every breath of your being.

The "Sign"

In an earlier post (Burning Questions) I mentioned my concern over attracting the financial resources I require to live, and as my role as a self-employed bookkeeper continues to change and evolve and clients decrease, that concern — HOW financial resources are going to come to me and in WHAT new and different ways — has been a constant mental companion. And not a companion that is necessarily fun to be around so often.

In a bit of a panic, I began thinking about what business establishment in the town I live in might actually be of interest to me to work in. And might even be hiring in the current economic climate. I've already worked in various settings in this town, and none of those I desire to return to. What came to mind was a bead store that I am a customer of. Yes! I love to make jewelry, love beads, and I could certainly enjoy working in this setting, if it was an option. The owner had hired an employee for the first time in just the past year. So, I approached the owner and mentioned that if she was ever in need of some help to let me know. Well, I didn't really expect her to jump on that offer so quickly, but she did, and a month later I found myself in her employ part-time.

I've been out of retail and haven't worked for others for about 8 years now. I realized that being an employee again might prove challenging, but I figured that working in a setting I liked, part-time, I could handle it, and I was even looking forward to schmoozing with the customers and getting my social fix. Perfect! Or, so it seemed...

Well . . . the current news is that I was quite suddenly "fired" from this position at the end of my work day this past week. It was all over a "sign", literally and symbolically!! All for the best, but still a bit rattling when it happened. I'm much more calm about it all now, but do find my thoughts going to "the scene" and replaying it every now and then. I don't know anyone who likes being fired. I sure hope the replays go away soon.

So, what I learned from this experience is that I can no longer, nor am I willing to, work for someone else to simply do their bidding. I must either remain self-employed or be involved in a true partnership and collaboration with another or others. My gifts and skills must be put to use in an environment that welcomes them. That was turning out to not be the case at the bead store.

I also realized that it was the "position" - working in a bead store - that I pursued, and of course the money, rather than for the reason of whether or not I actually liked the owner and how she operates her business and/or our personal resonance with each other. The owner happens to have a very challenging personality, but I thought that I would be able to be compassionate and accepting of this element and bring some calm and peaceful energy to the store. Hmm . . . perhaps some ego in here? Well, I CAN be compassionate and accepting, calm and peaceful, but perhaps not for these reasons while in her employ. Okay, I GET that one!

Thus . . . I was fired over my having taken down a newly placed sign in the window that, in my humble opinion, rudely stated, "We're Sorry, this is NOT A TOY STORE!" I interpreted this to say "No fun allowed here." So . . . why am I here?? Fun is something that I've been working very diligently on bringing into my life. I realized that I wasn't willing to sit behind the counter and be accountable for a sign of coldness directed to tourists and townspeople walking by, so I took it down. Well, that was the "sign" that I did not belong there, and the owner quickly did me the service of letting me go when I told her I had taken it down. Her words were, "That really pisses me off. We're done." I'd say that's pretty darn clear!!

Well . . . I am glad it only took four work days at the bead store for the experience I required from it to be complete. And, to be honest, I had my doubts of it lasting after my first work day. Hmm . . . why didn't I listen then? Well, perhaps I wouldn't have realized or gained the deeper meaning and knowledge available to me had I left after the first day. And yes, I was there first for the money, and second because I liked beads. Needing money makes one do funny things sometimes!!

Now for the next phase of my journey in attracting the financial resources I require. I was given another "sign" from a dream in the early dawn hours the morning after (following a very restless and sleepless night of replaying the "firing") - I dreamt that I was working in true loving partnership and collaboration with others and it felt lovely . . . and exactly what I want.

Touching the Wall

Today I had a lovely morning on the beach at San Simeon "cove" (aka W.R. Hearst State Beach), ritually offering to the sea holy water that has been prayed over, blessed, and on my altar exactly one year for one bottle (Cambria water I took to a Medicine for the Earth workshop April 17/18/19, 2009), and the other from Summer Solstice last year of cave water from California Caverns in the Central Sierras (I used to work there as a tour guide).

I knew it was time for these holy waters to be added to our Mother Ocean, but didn't realize until just now, writing this post, that the first bottle was EXACTLY one year from its initial blessing and transmutation, and today was the day I was strongly inspired to release these waters into the ocean. Wow!! Also, the cave water demanded that I release it into a nearby sea cave in a little standing pool, whereas the Medicine for the Earth bottle wanted to be released on the beach near a sea wall as a surge came in and then took the holy water out.

Prior to the release of the holy waters, having been blessed by sea water myself while visiting the inside of a sea cave (suddenly I found myself inundated by an incoming wave!), and now sitting and eating my ceremonial meal, beach strollers passed by me and it was quite obvious that they were headed straight for the "wall" to touch it before turning around.

You see, on this particular beach there is a sea wall that ends the beach and one must turn back at that point. At low tide there are some really fun little sea caves that can be explored, and at really low tide a hidden beach with more sea caves opens up. When I walk here, it is a given that I go all the way to the "wall" and touch it before returning. If for any reason I don't, my beach walk feels incomplete. Therefore, it is rare that I don't touch the wall. Turns out I'm not the only one who does this, which has tickled me to no end since encountering quite a number of strollers who do the same!!

So, having brought a journal and pen along with me, I was inspired to write a poem about this wall-touching phenomena, which I share with you now. Enjoy!

Touching the Wall

A leisurely stroll,
footprints in the sand,
cool water washing
over bare feet.

A feast for the senses:
salt air, talking gulls,
waves crashing, loons and
kayakers floating on the water,
grebes probing the sand,
warmth of the sun.

Treasures abound:
sand dollars, sea glass
shells and stones,
driftwood.

Low tide reveals
star fish and mussels clinging,
squishy and colorful sea anemones,
plus chances to peak
into sea caves.

As the beaches end
is reached,
strollers here are called,
pulled,
to touch the wall
before returning.

The Joy of Being

Remember those sprouted fava beans? Well, what happened is that only a half-dozen came up and I lost my momentum and excitement around their arrival. Sort of like what has been happening for me in my personal life. However, yesterday provided me just what I needed...

Cayelin Castell in her Celestial Timings message for February 1st, 2010 spoke about it being a good time right now to ask for a personal message or sign designed to let you know you are on track. Well, yesterday proved to be just that for me, and in ways that surprised and delighted me, and brought tears to my eyes.

I have been feeling off-and-on for awhile now a doubt about who I am in this world, what I have to offer, and do I truly have anything the world and those on it need? Am I for real? Or am I just kidding myself? I struggle with a part of me these days that doesn't remember, can't pull out of the depths of my brain, something I learned...or heard...or read...just a week ago, a day ago, ten minutes ago. And this brings the doubts.

However, what I have been dedicating my self to recently is simply engaging in projects, offerings, givings, that bring joy to my heart — even in the midst of uncertainty about where the financial resources to pay for my earthly obligations are going to come from.

So, my messages and signs that I am on track arrived, flooded in in fact, yesterday. I was overwhelmed and inundated by expressions of love and gratitude for who I AM, for what I offer, for simply being me. I had at least a dozen emails yesterday from various friends all expressing their version of this love and gratitude. And expressed deeply - no surface stuff here.

At first I was stunned, and when I awoke from that daze, I saw my signs!! I AM on track! Being me and engaging in what I love is where I AM supposed to be. I must continue to trust in this place, trust, trust, trust, that I will receive the financial support I need to fulfill my earthly obligations. For I AM certainly receiving the heart and soul support I need. THAT is the foundation upon which I will build.

My winter quadrant "Season's Ahead" mandala collage says it all:
"I AM what I choose to become - The Joy of Being."

Burning Questions

A friend of mine emailed an interesting article today that spurred a line of thought I'm going to share here. The article was in AstroFlash! from AstroSpirit.com, "a cosmic tidbit of astropoetic perspective from the celestial buffet." (I really like that description!!) Anyway, at the end of the article were the following questions based on the current astrological event of Saturn squaring Pluto. Even if Saturn wasn't squaring Pluto, I still think these are some great questions. So, I have answered them below, and would LOVE to hear how you'd answer them...

Saturn/Pluto Burning Questions and Actions

Q: What are the apparently insurmountable forces opposing me now?

A: First off, I want to say that I choose not to look at the collective situation as "opposing" me in the way this statement is most often taken, e.g., an opponent in some kind of battle. Rather, I look at opposing as an opportunity to face a situation straight on, full view, eye-to-eye. So from that perspective, I would have to say that for me personally at this time, today, I am faced with an unknown about how my financial situation will keep a roof over our head and food on our table. Even with considering eliminating unnecessary expenditures - like my cell phone which I hardly use because I'm mostly at home and have a land line - it may not be enough in the event that the state of affairs financially in the world continue to deteriorate dramatically. I've had a small cushion of $$ since my mom's death last year, but that is about to run out and my income has decreased since then with no obvious way of bringing in more, at least in my current view. I appreciate the word "apparently" when coupled with "insurmountable", because it is my feeling that just because I cannot see what's coming next for myself financially, it doesn't necessarily mean that what I will be facing is or will be insurmountable. However, it IS becoming more of a concern of mine on how we will be able to cover all our expenses as our "paychecks" decrease. So, this is the question of the week for me and one I feel could potentially be "apparently insurmountable." I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one experiencing this issue right now.

Q: What are the unconscious rules that limit me?

A: This is a really good question to follow the first. I really "get" that the way things have been in the financial world must change and be restructured, and it is most likely unconscious AND conscious rules about how one must BE financially in this world that are limiting me, and causing me concern about my current financial situation. The rules I grew up with were to either get myself a career that I worked at for 30+ years which had benefits and retirement, or get married to someone who could be the provider while I stayed home and raised the children. However, I have done neither, and instead have lived on the edge, paycheck to paycheck, since becoming an adult. This could actually be a benefit, considering the uncertain times we are in, since I do have over 25 years of experience of making do. And perhaps that, plus my background of knowing how to make something out of nothing, or with bailing wire and spit, will end up serving me in the shift that is occurring in the financial world. I'm really hoping so. Since I've never been very high on the financial ladder I don't have very far to fall, unlike a lot of folks out there. In my neck of the woods, what seems to me to be the missing piece for surviving this financial crisis is a real solid community of folks who are willing to work with each other. Maybe we would come together out of necessity, but that is just not clear at this point. So a part of me feels very alone in all this.

Q: Where do I need to focus my energy to make change?

A: Ah yes, and here's the rub. One might think I need to focus on finding ways to bring in more income, to sell myself in whatever way I can just to make a buck. After all I DO have a lot of skills that cover a broad range. But that feels restrictive to me, and I've never been inclined to go that direction anyway, at least not for very long. So, what to do? Well, perhaps the deep feeling I've been having for a while now of eliminating all the "old" stuff hanging around on every level, continues to be my answer. However, it's really risky because it only intensifies the unknown element and may bring judgment from others. But it feels more "right" to me than any other option. Therefore, it looks as though I need to continue focusing my energy on "lightening up" across the board.

Interestingly enough, for the waning last quarter moon on 11/9 (I keep a lunar journal), I picked my SoulCollage cards of "Risk Taker" and "Happy Inner Child." The message from Risk Taker was, "During these transitory times, risk taking is essential to moving into the new paradigm because of the level of unknown that is involved. Comfort is not really an option, for when one is too comfortable there is not movement." The message from Happy Inner Child was, "... continue a focus on bringing out [your] Happy Inner Child so that she can aid in [your] transformational process. [You are] still hanging on to the serious side of [yourself] and it is not helping." So, simply put - take risks and be happy about it!! LOL!!

Here's a little tidbit I found on the Saturn/Pluto square energy that really kind of fits with what I've been feeling... 

"So things are spinning, ending, grinding, and turning corners. This period is bringing finality to whatever has been, and could never be. With Scorpio so prominent, it's time to take note of deep feelings and say goodbye to whatever, creating the space to attract things more appropriate to who we are. The trick is to be patient in refusing all that is not appropriate, and welcome that which is.

"The square from Saturn to Pluto was prominent in the recent Full Moon of Taurus and Scorpio, which guaranteed everyone a wild ride with a major T-square driving the Grand Irrationality coupled with Mars septile Saturn. This is throwing us all into forks in the road in ways we will know our lives have changed in the near future.

"So say goodbye and hello, release and welcome, and let go of whatever and whoever is being spun away. We are all in the whirlwind, and must learn how to dance on the edge of eternity. We have nothing to lose but our fear."  © Copyright 2009 Robert Wilkinson

Sprouts Arising

The previous weeks melancholy has currently departed, much like the low tide that cleans debris from the beach, while also exposing hidden treasures. I've found a few of those treasures.

What continues to surprise me, in spite of being one who tunes in to and is aware of natural rhythms, is how every time I'm deeply entrenched in melancholy I think for certain "it" will last forever. Remind me not to "think" about such deeply emotional experiences!

So once again, "it" didn't last forever and I'm writing this today with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, and joy in the miracle of life.

Speaking of the miracle of life . . . there are fava bean sprouts beginning to peak their green heads from beneath the soil. Yea!! What is showing in the last couple of days are the beans I pre-sprouted to see if they wanted to live. Yet . . . much to my dismay (and only because I really wanted this miracle) . . . they are not all safe and sound because it just so happens that these tender, vulnerable, new shoots are quite appealing to the creepy crawlies and birds. Sigh... Well, perhaps when the mass exodus of buried seed to bursting out leaves occurs in the next week there will be more than the bugs and birds can eat. I think I'll still help out a little with bird netting and diatomaceous earth.

Here again I find a wonderful metaphor: I must be careful when exposing myself to the new world as I take root and grow, and my venturing out will benefit from having a guardian or two to shield me from potential dangers. But not too much protecting, for the tender shoot that is not allowed to experience the wind and sun will grow weak and spindly, falling over at the slightest breeze, and burning at the touch of the sun.

Ahhh . . . so many treasures.

A Seed Experiment

With the onset of autumn, the lengthening darkness that it brings, and the one-year anniversary of my mother's death about to arrive, I find myself wandering around in a bit of melancholy - a "funk" as some might call it. I found insights and healing just outside my back door...

In the Spring of 2008 my daughter and I put together a raised garden box in the backyard. We've enjoyed eating the foods that have come from it since then, but suddenly this summer plants started dying, seeds wouldn't sprout, and this garden box began to mirror how I was feeling inside. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I needed to care for the garden bed, to feed it, rather than expecting it to feed me. So I decided to plant a cover crop in it for the winter - fava (aka broad) beans specifically.

The experiment lies in that I have had a jar of fava beans for a couple of years now that I use in workshops, passing the seeds out to participants to represent "seeding new possibilities". These beans are for eating and have had the outer layer of skin removed somehow - perhaps blanching? I don't know. Anyway, I put a few of these beans in a wet wash cloth a few days ago to see if they would even want to sprout. And, much to my delight and surprise, three out of eight of them had sprouted quite vigorously in spite of their nakedness!!

So, this morning, with the waxing moon in Pisces, I dug up the garden bed and planted the entire jar of skinless fava beans in the dirt, including the sprouted ones. I'm really very curious to see if these beans produce plants.

The whole event is quite metaphoric to me: I, the tender skinless vulnerable one who feels depleted and hungry, is desperate to sprout new roots in new territory in spite of the sometimes hopeless scenarios surrounding me. What seems to be great odds against my being able to grow and flourish in a landscape also depleted and hungry, may actually produce the miracle of new life simply because new life is part of the grand cycle of this here earth. However, I must patiently wait to see if this will be so, tending and watering these new seeds with love.

I'd really love a miracle right about now.

Soul Matters:

Creating a Bucket List for Now and Later

Wayne's House Retreat Center

I hadn’t ever really considered creating a “bucket list” for now or later, yet I found myself inspired to attend a 3-day retreat this summer in Flagstaff, AZ that was going to delve into the realms of death that many people find uncomfortable and often avoid at all costs. That is, until they are faced with a terminal illness - and sometimes not even then.

So why would I, someone who to the best of my knowledge is not facing a terminal illness, choose to attend this type of retreat? Well, for one, I have a pretty healthy relationship to death. It doesn’t frighten me. Perhaps being raised on a farm helped. I was around birth, life, and death all the time. I understood it to be part of the natural course of things. And I have experienced the death of very close loved ones - including my first-born daughter when I was 19, and my mother just this last year - without them being devastating or horribly traumatic. Not to say I haven’t had my share of grieving around these deaths, which I have, just that for me death is a natural process that I’m not afraid to face.

View of volcanic plateau from Wayne's House

What has arisen for me since my mother’s transition is that I find I am interested in participating in a more celebrated and honored death process, for others and eventually for myself. To be a midwife to death. To welcome and guide the transition of death just as we more readily welcome and guide the transition of birth. And that is why I chose to participate in this retreat, which cleared the way for my potential journey into death midwifery. I say “cleared the way” because it is my understanding that one must fully embrace the dying process on a personal level to be effective in working with the dying. And one must also be willing to participate in depth journeys, to go inside the cave of death mysteries.

The retreat had many layers and elements, including a creative process that happens to be one of my favorites - mandala making (based on Dr. Judith Cornell’s work). We engaged in the mandala making after being guided through four levels of “death” and a final “rebirth.” All of these processes were facilitated in a very gentle, loving and nurturing way by our phenomenal retreat leader, Aleia O’Reilly, director of Further Shore, Inc. She created a very safe and supportive space for our depth journeys.

The intention for my Death #1, Mandala #1 is:
To emerge from the soul fire renewed and transformed.

It began with our first death in the east - the “physical act of dying.” We engaged our bodies in movement, we wrote a letter of goodbye to a loved one, and we had a last meal of our favorite food and drink. From here we laid down in a comfortable nest of pillows and were guided in meditation through the actual process of physically dying from a terminal illness. Arising from this meditation we went to the art table, set an intention, and began the creation of a mandala that represented what came to us from this first death experience.

The second death in the south was an “emotional death of letting go.” We were given index card prompts and instructed to write down ten of our favorite things (person, food, activity, etc.), which we then put in order of their importance to us.

The intention for my Death #2, Mandala #2 is:
It’s an inside job.

Laying down again in a nest of comfortable pillows, we laid our cards out next to us and were guided in meditation through the actual process of a terminal illness and having to let go of our favorite things as we got sicker and sicker. Given very precise circumstances, we had to choose which of our favorite things we would give up at that time, until we had only one card left. And then we had to let go of that final favorite thing as we reached our ultimate death. Wow, was this an interesting process! That last favorite thing was the hardest for me to let go of - it was my favorite person, who happens to be my husband.

Having just experienced my own mother going through a similar process of having to let go of her favorite things before she transitioned, I could really understand and grasp this exercise. Arising from this meditation we again went to the art table, set an intention, and began the creation of a mandala that represented what came to us from this second death experience.

The intention for my Death #3, Mandala #3 is:
Forgiveness of self.

The third death in the west was an “egoic death and life review healing.” This time we sat upright as we were guided in meditation through a life review process of specific areas such as unfinished business, greatest challenge, greatest joy, etc. Following the meditation we wrote down on index card prompts what came up for us during the meditation for each of the areas in the life review. We then picked one of the life review cards to create a mandala. I was first tempted to pick one of the “easy” cards such as greatest joy, but then realized my ego was making this choice, so instead I randomly picked a card, leaving it to spirit to move me to what was wanting to express in the mandala. I picked my “needs healing” card, and used the answer as my intention.

The intention for my Death #4, Mandala #4 is:
All the ways to my soul are open.

The fourth and final death in the north was a “spiritual death and fulfilling purpose in earth.” Using a couple of different processes we did investigative work around what traumas in our lives were still needing to be healed (Levels of Consciousness per David R. Hawkins in Power vs. Force), then worked to release and clear these traumas, and the levels of consciousness they kept us trapped in, using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Following these processes we went to the art table to create yet another mandala.

The intention for my Rebirth into Light, Mandala #5 is:
Be you... Soul wishes full expression
through this body at this time.
Your freedom is everyone’s freedom.

Now that we had experienced these four very profound deaths, it was time for rebirth in the east, the gateway to new beginnings and illumination of our earthly journey, and to be shown how we are “fulling purpose out of earth.” Sitting upright, we were guided in meditation - a very deep one for me - of being shown the blueprint of our lives, and for me personally, my life purpose now that I’ve cleared the way of much that was hindering my progress. What came to me very clearly in the meditation was my intention for the final mandala, including how it was going to look.

Complete with our deaths and rebirth, we celebrated our depth journeys with a closing circle, literally, using all our mandalas placed on the floor as the defining edge of the circle. It was really lovely to view the mandalas put together in this fashion, to see and honor the unique expressions of each participant, yet notice also how they all fit together smoothly and fluidly.

This was an incredibly healing and enlightening retreat for me and an experience that will remain in my heart for a long time to come, with more messages and realizations to unfold with each passing day. I really am no longer the person I was when I arrived at Wayne’s House.

Nameless, Faceless, Empty

This past year has been filled with many interesting journeys, but none so profound and deep as the journey of participation in my mother's transition back to Source. Yes, I was by her side when her spirit was released from the body, but I have been traveling on this journey with her for much longer than that. The past few weeks since mom's passing on November 22, 2008, remind me of the following passage from Oriah Mountain Dreamer's, The Invitation:

"It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children."

That sums up what I had to be and do the weeks up to and following mom's death. Coming back home from New Mexico, where she had lived the past 18 years, I was fortunate to be able to attend a "Wild Woman Doll Making" class I had arranged and thought I was going to miss due to being in New Mexico with mom. Attending to her end of life affairs went quickly and smoothly and we were able to come home earlier than anticipated. It ended up being the perfect re-entry for me as the class was the day after we got home. Instead of diving into unpacking I dove into creative expression and healing.

For me, my doll is nameless and faceless and represents simply "being" without an identity, a blank canvas in the Void for the next journey of my life. She gazes into and embraces an empty vessel, ready and waiting to receive, and then offer, her gifts.

The element of no identity was heavily influenced by my mom who had been working for many years now on releasing identities, or "labels" (for me, those labels were an "artist," a "mother," a "bookkeeper," etc.), a theme that I have made other art pieces around. I've painted the face, hands and feet black to represent the Void, and the bowl is one of my moms that happened to find its way home with me, and fits perfectly. This doll will certainly bring more messages over time and will certainly speak to me in other ways as I/she evolves. I look forward to her messages of wisdom that are given to me from the chalice of repose.

Although I had been traveling a journey of participation in mom's final days on earth, I did not travel the same path as her, as clearly shown to me in the following dream from September 17, 2008, just over two months prior to her transition:

Different Path

Mom and I are walking in a forest somewhere, I believe Alaska, and we are heading to the same place. I take a different path than her, going through the middle of the forest, where she is on the outer edge, but then realize that I need to stay closer and call out loudly several times to find where she is. I finally hear her call back and change my direction to meet back up with her. Just when I am about to connect with her path, a large and deep gully stops my progress. I remember being here before with someone else and know that there is a tree limb I can use as a bridge to get across, but I have to find it. I don’t find the same one, but do see a large oak tree limb going across. However, its bark is peeling off and is potentially rotten and I don’t feel confident in its stability and being able to safely cross on it. I test the limb by pushing down on it a few times, and even though it MIGHT be okay, I decide to keep looking for the safe tree limb that I remember.

Yes, mom and I are heading to the same place - back to Source. Yet we are each on a different path. Mom was clearly on the edge, I am clearly in the middle, and not to follow her too closely. It is not my time. I know this and don't push the issue, recognizing that my well-being is important.

I am honoring the wisdom of this dream by resting and nurturing my self as I surface from the depths of this incredible journey.